Resolve to Reach Resolution

So, you've made yet another new year's resolution:  to lose weight, to exercise more, to quit smoking, to spend less.  This time, you promise yourself, your sticking to it.  Really.

So where there's a will, there's a way, right?  Well, that's true, sort of, according to a recent article in the New York Times by John Tierney.  Turns out, we all have willpower, it just happens to be finite.  When there's willpower left in the tank, there's a way.

So, how does one keep from spending one's limited supply of willpower?  Avoid temptation.  Easy, right?

Let's say your resolution is to quit smoking.  All you have to do is avoid situations where cigarettes lurk.  In Seattle, the smoking ban in bars and restaurants is tremendously helpful.  But there's still the "smoker's corners" outside office buildings.  The ads for cigarettes at every gas station, convenience store, and grocery.  That's a lot of opportunity for temptation to set in.  Choose your daily route carefully.

So, what replenishes willpower?  Positive reinforcement.  What should you do with the money you saved by not buying a pack of cigarettes today?  Reward yourself with another pleasurable purchase:  a fun app for your phone, a favorite magazine, a warm drink, anything that says "reward!" to the pleasure center of your brain.  Longer-term rewards are good, too.  Curtailing a $6/day habit after a year could net you as much as $2000.  Cruise much, lately?

Accountability is another major factor in sticking to the resolution.  Share successes with a close confidante. Share failures, too.  Do a post-mortem on what's going well, and where you'd like to improve.  Saying it out loud to someone, writing it in a journal, keeping a blog, tweeting, putting post-it notes around your home or office (or both!), all of these activities will increase the "stickiness" of the changes you're making and will help hold you accountable to your plan.

There's enough willpower in your account to make the changes you'd like to see in your life.  Spend that willpower wisely, and when in doubt, phone a friend!

Solstice Self-Care

With the holidays approaching, the worsening financial crisis, the short winter days,and wars both current and percolating, it's easy for anxiety-or even just a case of the blahs--to set in. Here's some ideas for coping during the shortest and darkest days of the year:

1. Be honest with yourself about how you're feeling. No one need "fake it til ya make it" if it feels disingenuous. It's okay to not feel great. It's okay to tell others you don't feel great. It isn't a character flaw. It's being human.

2. Ask yourself: how much room do you want to give anxiety or the "blahs"? Can you ask anxiety or the blahs to leave you alone during a holiday party or a family get-together? Can you excuse yourself for part of the time to just feel the anxiety or the blahs, and then return to the action having allowed anxiety it's due? Can you make a pact with a friend or family member to check in with you to see how you're doing, and perhaps, you can do the same in turn?

3. Make a plan to care for yourself with balanced meals and time to exercise. And think: simple. Gentle stretching or a brisk walk around the neighborhood followed by soup and salad can feel so refreshing on a long winter's evening.

The Self-Care Challenge

Making time for self-care is difficult even under the best of circumstances, but throw a baby (or two or three) into the mix, and self-care is often the first thing to be thrown out with the proverbial bath water. With that in mind, Ann Dunnewold and Diane Sanford started this new blog to create a new and sustaining self-care regimen in just 21 days. In three weeks, parents can develop the habits of mind and body to care for themselves as well as they do their little ones.

The Reproductive Gap

A while back I wrote about a column Lisa Belkin wrote for the New York Times about how caregivers of young children need to articulate to prospective employers on their resumes the skills they've attained while being stay-at-home parents and how they can bring those to bear successfully in the paid work world. Now, here comes an interesting article in The Chronicle of Higher Education where the author, Amy Kittlestrom, makes a persuasive argument for placing a "reproductive allowance" on one's vita, explaining what one might have achieved (a book, a research project, etc.) during time spent giving birth to and raising young children.

I'm curious how others who've returned to paid work have dealt with this "baby gap" issue on their resumes. Bring your comments!

When the "Baby Blues" Strikes Dads

Sex therapist and relationship counselor Ian Kerner, PhD recently wrote about his own experience of depression after the birth of his first son in this article. He very astutely points out that for him, as well as for many new dads experiencing depression, he turned to the liquor cabinet as way of coping. Alcohol, being a depressant itself, further exacerbates depressive symptoms.

Kerner also lists other warning signs to look out for if a new dad you know seems to be struggling to cope with the transition to parenthood, including: changes in libido, putting up a good front, isolating himself, difficulties sleeping (even when feeling tired), family history of depression, or self-medicating. I would also note that the term "self-medicating" often refers to drugs or alcohol, but in some men, could also mean food, internet, or pornography.

Recommended Reading for Expectant Parents

A very dear friend of mine recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. In her quest to feel more empowered than she did with the birth of her first child, she did some homework. A lot of homework! After reading her way through numerous books, here are her "must reads" for expectant parents:

1. Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin
2. Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin
3. Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Dr. Sarah J. Buckley
4. The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer
5. The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger
6. Birthing from Within by Pam England
7. Hearts & Hands by Elizabeth Davis
8. The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin

I wish all expectant parents a birth story that's full of ease, grace, and delight.

When the "Home Game" Isn't Dad's "A Game"

I heard Michael Lewis, author of "Home Game," interviewed on Charlie Rose today. While a number of women have come forward about their feelings of numbness after the birth of their children (Brooke Shields, most notably, comes to mind), men have been virtually silent on the issue. It was so refreshing to hear this interview where Lewis confesses, despite the social pressure to remain silent, that he did not feel instant love for his newborn. He shares how he eventually came to love his baby, but only after the fog of sleep deprivation and new parent anxiety lifted. An important new book has arrived just in time for Father's Day.

Your Imaginary Friend Plays Columbia City Farmer's Market (For Real!)

Living in the northern half of North America has its benefits as well as challenges. Here in Seattle, we enjoy a wealth of outdoor activities during spring and summer (many of which are free or cheaper than dirt) for all to enjoy. The farmer's markets provide a chance to connect with the people who produce the food we eat, visit with neighbors, and sometimes hear live music. This Wednesday's Columbia City Farmer's Market offers all of the above. Local children's band Your Imaginary Friend will be playing the market, located at Rainier Ave. and S. Edmunds Street, behind the Bank of America from 4:00 to 6:00 pm. Singer Jana Vitols has the most exquisite voice, sure to put those winter blahs behind us for good. Bring a blanket, a picnic, a friend (real and/or imaginary), and a pair of dancin' shoes because free outdoor fun is what makes the season great.

Mastering Test Anxiety

It's springtime, which brings many welcome happenings. School exams, however, can be one dark spot on the season.

In a former life as a special education teacher, it was my opinion that my students were no less talented than their "mainstream" peers. I'd argue that they did not have "learning differences" so much as "anxiety differences." These differences could be explained by home-lives that would make anyone sensitive to anxiety's messages. And with the added pressure of standardized tests, I'd watch them just fall to pieces.

Here are some ideas to help your test-taker (or yourself) block out anxiety before or during the test:

1. Give reminders that this test doesn't define who you are. Your friends will still be your friends. People who love you will still love you. The test has no bearing on your past or future accomplishments.

2. Remember that you will know the answers to some questions, but not to others. This is ok. Do your best. Take your best guess. Some of your guesses will be right in the end.

3. When you feel anxiety making it hard for you to think, resort to one of your anti-anxiety tools in your toolbox. Before the test date, make a list of all the ways you can calm yourself. Drinking water, taking deep breaths, stretching, repeating a mantra (e.g. "I have good test-taking skills" or "I am best when I test" or come up with your own), or touch can be soothing. I like to massage the muscle between my thumb and forefinger to help clear my head. Rubbing temples or doing shoulder shrugs can also encourage the body to relax when the mind gets tense.

Test-taking needn't be an anxiety-producing activity. But if anxiety should choose to pester the mind while taking a test, equipping your toolbox with these test-taking tools should allow the mind to perform at its best.

New Study Reveals PPMDs Are Treatable and Potentially Preventable With Counseling

I watched a documentary on PBS recently about Parkinson's Disease, entitled "My Father, My Brother, and Me". One of the researchers interviewed said of the disease, "Genetics loads the gun; environment pulls the trigger."

This metaphor seems apt for post-partum mood disorders, as two recent studies point out. Some women may be genetically predisposed to PPMDs, but they still might escape its effects if it weren't for a colicky baby, a weak support network, or other "trigger." Similarly, strengthening the environment through supportive communication with a mental health professional or other trained helper can speed healing or even innoculate against PPMDs.

I find this new research especially exciting because it means a "talking cure" for PPMDs really exists, as long parents are connected with a trusted, knowledgeable counselor.

Postpartum Support International of Washington Support Groups

Since I've been on my own maternity leave these past 3 months, it occurs to me that now is good time to post the newest listing of postpartum support groups in Washington (where I live). Don't live in Washington State? Check the Postpartum Support International Web site here to find a group in your neck of the woods.

Making the Parent-Track the Fast Track

Hearing the news that Caroline Kennedy had withdrawn her name as a possible successor to Hilary Clinton in the Senate reminded me of an essay I read by the fantastic New York Times work/family life writer Lisa Belkin. Belkin argues that "experience" only counts on a resume if it's "work" experience. Work done outside of a job, say, serving on a board or volunteering at a child's school is valued less when interviewing for a paid job. Inherent in this assumption is that unpaid work experiences are less valuable than paid ones. Yet, the skills gained in these volunteer experienced could prove incredibly useful to employers. A parent who starts a club or program at a school knows something about doing research, working collaboratively with other stakeholders, and responding to feedback. In organizing a fundraiser, parents learn about marketing, soliciting community members, and event coordination. To my mind, these seem like directly applicable (paid) job skills.

When parents consult with me about leaving or re-joing the (paid) workforce, I hear a great deal of anxiety in these decisions. How will this time away from paid work be viewed? Will I be considered for jobs after an extended absence?

It seems to me that we as parents need to better articulate what we've gained from parenting and translate that experience into terms employers can understand. Our parenthood can make us more efficient at work (all the better to get home to our families sooner.) We are better at hearing out differences in opinion. We can adjust to change more easily.

There are a host of intangible benefits to parenting. And some of these intangibles can have real value in the marketplace of paid work. We as parents need to start talking as our "time off" with kids as "time on." As Belkin says, "But let’s stop with this talk of inexperience when we mean a range of experiences, many shaped by motherhood. The only way work will become more flexible for everyone, for all of us, is if the untraditional begins to count."

Financial-Anxiety-Proof Your Relationship

I thought this article from the New York Times captures the ways in which our financial anxiety can rear its head in our relationships. I never cease to wonder at the many ways people find to limit anxiety's presence in their lives and relationships (e.g. doing yoga, sure, but watching campy sitcoms? Why not!) I think the important lesson from the article is that while we may each have very different reactions to economic difficulties, it's essential that we understand our partner's and our own ways of coping, and to be supportive of each other's process. Your relationship will be the better for it--in good financial times or bad.

A Change We Can All Believe In

No matter where one falls on the political spectrum, all can agree that Barack Obama's election to the Presidency is a historical moment. Now, this blog is not political in nature, but I have been thinking about the relationship between anxiety and racism. I've heard from clients about their wondering if they were treated more harshly by police because of their race, or their unease over sitting through American History class, only to hear of nothing of their people's contributions. It's these incidents--sometimes subtle in their racism, sometimes overt--that feed the anxieties of people of color about their place and the value of their personhood in this society.

I am not so naive as to believe that Barack Obama's presidency will end racism in this country, but I am hopeful that it will bring the subject to the attention of people who think racism is no longer an issue in this country. I'm also hopeful that it affirms that there is a place at the table for people of all backgrounds in this society. We still have a long way to go, but today's children stand to inherit a future in which anyone can ascend to the government's highest offices, and that's a great place to start.

How to Be a Supportive Partner to a Person with a Mood Disorder

Jon (whose wife Heather writes the very popular "Dooce" blog) wrote an insightful post about how he's learned to care for himself and his family when depression tries to get the best of Heather (and in turn, the rest of their family). His story is a must-read for partners who want to be supportive but aren't sure how best to go about it.

Mantras for Financial Anxiety

Here it is, months after I first wrote about financial anxiety, and yet the topic is still much at the fore. The U.S. presidential debates covered the subject at length last night. The lead story of every major newspaper tells of more terrible financial news. Personally, I can name several people who have lost jobs amidst this crisis.

Now, financial anxiety, like all other forms of anxiety, can have its benefits, too. Financial anxiety can get us to plan for the future, start a "rainy day" fund, update the resume, or work on increasing our education and skills in our chosen fields. Financial anxiety can goad us into finishing today what we might prefer to put off for later. That's anxiety at its most helpful.

What's unhelpful about anxiety is the constant worry, dread, that heaviness in your stomach or chest that says, "All is not right with the world." This type of financial anxiety is paralyzing because it is not actionable. As individuals, we cannot fix the world's financial crisis. When this type of anxiety rears its head, it's often helpful to have a mantra to remind ourselves to put it in its proper place. My friend Marla likes to say, "Sometimes, it's just money," meaning, money can't make us happier, or healthier, more loved, or less stressed. Sometimes, money is just money. I also like my mother-in-law's mantra: "A problem that can be fixed with money is not really a problem." In the hierarchy of problems, financial ones fall far below other issues, like losing loved ones or living with declining health.

It's important to remember that anxiety often wants us to lose sight of what we can be grateful for, and leave us to dwell on our concerns. By using a mantra, hopefully we can keep sight of the light in the corners, and put the bleak economic news in its proper place.

Alternative Treatments for Mood Disorders

With the days growing shorter here in Seattle, it's hard not to notice the way the changing seasons can affect one's mood. Coupled with the recent terrible financial crisis news, there's lots of grist out there for anxiety's and depression's mill.

I've also been thinking about the growing numbers of people who have been laid off (or are due to be laid off) from their jobs, and will be going without health insurance. Without such insurance, the cost of psychopharmacological interventions can be prohibitive. With that in mind, here are a few ideas for (potentially) lower cost alternatives:

Light Therapy: Long recommended as a treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), there is growing evidence (as in this meta-analysis by Gjerdingen) that it can be effective for treating antenatal and postpartum mood disorders. And while phototherapy equipment isn't cheap (I think they go for $250, or thereabouts), it's still less expensive than a month-long trip to Hawaii (which, in my opinion, the government should subsidize for us in the far northern reaches of the U.S., don't you agree?)

Massage Therapy: Gjerdingen also points out that massage therapy has been effective in reducing stress and anxiety symptoms in teenage mothers (a notoriously stressed-out group). Yes, massage therapy can become pricey quickly. It's worth asking at your local massage school or community college about their rates for student massages. (Many charge little or nothing at all in exchange for helping out a massage student.)

Yoga: I've written lots about yoga's beneficial effects on anxiety and depression in this blog. Please see my previous posts for evidence of its efficacy, and particular poses to try for various mood problems.

I'm sure lots of you have ideas about inexpensive ways of coping when mood problems set in. You are welcome to post them in the comments section, so we may all learn from each other's experience and wisdom.

Monkey Mind

Sometimes we get stuck in seeing things exactly as they appear that it's hard to imagine how life could be different. Somewhere in my life travels I learned the concept of "monkey mind" (from Allan Ginsberg, maybe?). Anyway, all due credit aside, the concept of monkey mind entails letting go of our practical, rational thoughts, and just allowing the mind to go wherever goes. When your mind is freed of seeing things how they are, or how they "should" be, where does it go?

I like using the monkey mind whenever I can't see the answer to a problem, but I just know my current "solutions" aren't working for me. I ask myself, if this problem weren't a problem anymore, what would I see myself doing? Who else would be involved? What would I be thinking or feeling? What kind of values would I be living out? How would those values be reflected in my actions? in the people around me?

In practicing monkey mind, one's practical, rational mind may try to quash your monkey mind. Practicality has its place, but when practicing monkey mind, it's best to put it aside for later. Make "defer judgment" your mantra when your "rational" mind tries to shout over your "monkey".

Area Parent Coach and Blogger (to wit, me) Benefits from a Good Editor (Thanks, Lora!)

NWSource.com blogger Lora Shinn summed up beautifully what I've written here about attending to one's couple relationship while parenting. Her article appears in her "little kids, big city" column of the Seattle Times/Seattle Post-Intelligencer Web site.

Her columns are a very worthwile read (even when I'm not the subject!) as are her articles for ParentMap. I recommend reading anything with her byline. Good on ya, Lora!

Sharing Parenting Equally

In this Sunday's New York Times Magazine, Lisa Belkin wrote a thought-provoking article on "equally shared parenting." The concept behind equally shared parenting is just as it sounds: each parents spends as much time contributing to work, home, and family as the other. While I commend the parents who are engaging in this arrangement, I couldn't help but wonder about the details. How exactly does one track every single contribution in the work, home, and family categories? How does one weigh tasks that are more burdensome than others? Reading about the featured couples, it seemed to me that this arrangement could open itself up to persistent arguments over the division of labor.

One mother, whose family eventually opted out of equally shared parenting, had this to say about her family's experience: "The question should not be, Is it all exactly equal, but, What is best for all of us as a group right now?...If we decide it's really important that we are 50-50 on everything, we would work on that. If we decide it's really important that we be close to family, then we work on that."

Now, that sounds like an arrangement I could live with.