Finding a Formula for Successful Families

As a child of the '70s, I was weaned, per my pediatrician's instructions, around 5 months and given formula thereafter.  My mom recalls being advised that this course of action was the "healthy" option for infants. I'm baically a  healthy person--no history of major illnesses or developmental problems. Sure, I could always use a few extra IQ points, but I don't think being formula-fed has held me back from winning a Nobel or anything.

That's why I found myself saying, "Amen, sister!" while reading this article by Alissa Quart in the New York Times on Sunday. Since the 1970s, the American Academy of Pediatrics has reversed course and now recommends that mothers breastfeed exclusively for the first year of a child's life.

Well, that's all fine and good, but many mothers of newborns run into numberous adversities in breastfeeding:  latching problems, low output, pain or discomfort while nursing, or unsupportive (or even hostile) work environments for pumping,  There's a myriad of reasons why a mother might choose formula, and shaming her for that choice is unhelpful--and maybe even harmful.

So, let's focus on what Ms. Quart advises in her article:  child outcomes.  We have lots of data that says free early childhood education, paid parenting leave, and more workplace flexibility lead to better outcomes for children and families.  More support for working parents sounds to my formula-nourished mind like the healthiest option of all.

Time is on Your Side

I do my best thinking while running.  I did a 12-miler yesterday, and since I'm not a terribly fast runner, that meant I had a lot of time to think.  A LOT of time.

I thought about a former client of mine, let's call her Eve.  Eve would take a walk in the woods by her house every day.  She'd walked the woods so much, she knew them as well as she knew her own reflection in a mirror.  One day, however, Eve took a bad spill on one of her walks, hurting herself pretty badly.  She tried to crawl back to her house, but as darkness fell, she became confused and disoriented.  Eve did her best to take shelter under a tree and spent the night in the woods.

As morning arrived, Eve's neighbor noticed that Eve's car was parked in front of her house, but the house appeared unoccupied.  The neighbor, knowing Eve's evening ritual, went looking for her in the woods.  She found her, dangerously cold and badly hurt.  Eve was rushed to the hospital where she was treated and released--in a wheelchair.

When I met Eve, she had her mind set on learning to walk again, but anxiety tried time and again to talk her out of her goal.  "Sometimes I'll be trying to move my legs, and I see myself lost in the woods again. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know if I'll ever walk again."

Over the few months Eve and I worked together, I was in training for my first half-marathon.  I hadn't run a step (except to stop my kids from running through the street) for almost five years.  In a sense, I was like Eve, relearning to do something that used to come naturally to me.  I shared with her my training strategy:  Log my time.  It didn't matter how far I ran during that time.  I didn't worry about my pace or any other outcome-based goals.  My goal was to simply log my time.  I believed time + work = results.  That formula guided my training.  I told Eve that if I thought about running 13 miles, I'd give up.  I wouldn't train.  But if I broke it down into smaller increments of time, those smaller goals felt within reach.  I envisioned these smaller bits of time would build upon each other, so that when it came time to do longer and longer runs, it would be hard, but all the experience that came before  would help me get through.

So while Eve started "logging her time" in physical therapy, I logged mine on the trail.  There were certainly high and low moments for each of us, and no shortage of pain and soreness in our joints, but we reached our respective goals.  By the conclusion of our work together, Eve was able to walk with a walking stick, even climbing unassisted into the cab of her friends' truck as we waved good-bye.  And on a follow-up visit, she demonstrated her hard-earned ability to walk unaided around the room.

I ran that half- marathon, crossing the finish line seven minutes ahead of my expected time.  And I"ve done another one since then.  When I run, I think about all my clients who've reached seemingly elusive goals.  Even when doubt  and anxiety tried to tell them it was hopeless, they put in the work anyway.  By logging their time, I have seen them save marriages, end cycles of abuse and shame, reclaim their lives from anxiety and depression, and of course, walk with confidence and grace.

The Reproductive Gap

A while back I wrote about a column Lisa Belkin wrote for the New York Times about how caregivers of young children need to articulate to prospective employers on their resumes the skills they've attained while being stay-at-home parents and how they can bring those to bear successfully in the paid work world. Now, here comes an interesting article in The Chronicle of Higher Education where the author, Amy Kittlestrom, makes a persuasive argument for placing a "reproductive allowance" on one's vita, explaining what one might have achieved (a book, a research project, etc.) during time spent giving birth to and raising young children.

I'm curious how others who've returned to paid work have dealt with this "baby gap" issue on their resumes. Bring your comments!

Making the Parent-Track the Fast Track

Hearing the news that Caroline Kennedy had withdrawn her name as a possible successor to Hilary Clinton in the Senate reminded me of an essay I read by the fantastic New York Times work/family life writer Lisa Belkin. Belkin argues that "experience" only counts on a resume if it's "work" experience. Work done outside of a job, say, serving on a board or volunteering at a child's school is valued less when interviewing for a paid job. Inherent in this assumption is that unpaid work experiences are less valuable than paid ones. Yet, the skills gained in these volunteer experienced could prove incredibly useful to employers. A parent who starts a club or program at a school knows something about doing research, working collaboratively with other stakeholders, and responding to feedback. In organizing a fundraiser, parents learn about marketing, soliciting community members, and event coordination. To my mind, these seem like directly applicable (paid) job skills.

When parents consult with me about leaving or re-joing the (paid) workforce, I hear a great deal of anxiety in these decisions. How will this time away from paid work be viewed? Will I be considered for jobs after an extended absence?

It seems to me that we as parents need to better articulate what we've gained from parenting and translate that experience into terms employers can understand. Our parenthood can make us more efficient at work (all the better to get home to our families sooner.) We are better at hearing out differences in opinion. We can adjust to change more easily.

There are a host of intangible benefits to parenting. And some of these intangibles can have real value in the marketplace of paid work. We as parents need to start talking as our "time off" with kids as "time on." As Belkin says, "But let’s stop with this talk of inexperience when we mean a range of experiences, many shaped by motherhood. The only way work will become more flexible for everyone, for all of us, is if the untraditional begins to count."

Mantras for Financial Anxiety

Here it is, months after I first wrote about financial anxiety, and yet the topic is still much at the fore. The U.S. presidential debates covered the subject at length last night. The lead story of every major newspaper tells of more terrible financial news. Personally, I can name several people who have lost jobs amidst this crisis.

Now, financial anxiety, like all other forms of anxiety, can have its benefits, too. Financial anxiety can get us to plan for the future, start a "rainy day" fund, update the resume, or work on increasing our education and skills in our chosen fields. Financial anxiety can goad us into finishing today what we might prefer to put off for later. That's anxiety at its most helpful.

What's unhelpful about anxiety is the constant worry, dread, that heaviness in your stomach or chest that says, "All is not right with the world." This type of financial anxiety is paralyzing because it is not actionable. As individuals, we cannot fix the world's financial crisis. When this type of anxiety rears its head, it's often helpful to have a mantra to remind ourselves to put it in its proper place. My friend Marla likes to say, "Sometimes, it's just money," meaning, money can't make us happier, or healthier, more loved, or less stressed. Sometimes, money is just money. I also like my mother-in-law's mantra: "A problem that can be fixed with money is not really a problem." In the hierarchy of problems, financial ones fall far below other issues, like losing loved ones or living with declining health.

It's important to remember that anxiety often wants us to lose sight of what we can be grateful for, and leave us to dwell on our concerns. By using a mantra, hopefully we can keep sight of the light in the corners, and put the bleak economic news in its proper place.

Why Parenthood Counts on a (Political) Resume

Putting political beliefs aside for a moment, I want to address this notion that Sarah Palin is not qualified for the vice presidency because she is raising five kids while serving as Alaska's governor. For once, I would like to hear anyone acknowledge that working parenthood paired with public service is EXCELLENT preparation for higher office. A working parent of five knows something about diplomacy. (e.g. "Those are my Legos!" "No, they're mine!") She must also be able to conduct research on a variety of subjects (e.g. which schools and teachers are best for her kids). She must be able to follow detailed itineraries (knowing when and where to pick up and drop off kids at sports practice, music lessons, playdates, and child care.) And it goes without saying that she is well-practiced in areas of patience, empathy, and discipline. While I may not agree with the substance of her beliefs (uh, Sarah, that abstinence stance really doesn't seem to be working out for ya...), I cannot argue that she lacks the organizational wherewithal to pull off the job. It's time to put aside the notion that parenthood only prepares one for the duties of home and family life. Indeed, the lessons learned are applicable to other esteemed offices.

Hug Your Neighborhood Lawyer

Ok, people, we should try to lay off the lawyer jokes for a while. Lawrence Krieger of Florida State University found in a recent study that practicing lawyers exhibit clinical anxiety, hostility and depression at rates that range from eight to 15 times the general population. His research also indicates that out of 104 occupational groups, lawyers rank the highest in depression. Yikes! So, do some pro bono work of your own for the lawyer/s in your life and give them a referral to a good therapist!

Catching Up to the Clock

Since it is Spring-Ahead Monday, I just wanted to share a little reminder to go easy on ourselves today, as our bodies and brains try to catch up to the clock. Here are 4 reminders to help us be safe and well this week:

1. Allow yourself extra time to drive where you need to go. Or better yet, walk or take public transit until you feel your reaction time returning.

2. Eat a healthy dinner at least 2 hours before bedtime.

3. Choose a quiet, non-anxiety-inducing activity before bed, like reading, meditation, listening to music, or knitting (unless, of course, you're like me and would consider knitting an anxiety-inducing activity).

4. If possible, try to fit in 20 minutes or more of exercise, preferably in the beginning or middle of the day. Those yogis among us might like to try sun salutations first thing in the morning. Others might like to walk during lunch break, bike to work, or run around the park with your kids. No kids, you say? Then bring a basketball or soccer ball to the park and you are sure to meet some!

You Need a PPMD Like You Need a Knife in the Head

Penelope Trunk writes in her Brazen Careerist blog about how she didn't realize she was suffering from a Post-Partum Mood Disorder until she stabbed herself in the head with a kitchen knife. She advises that every working mom (and every parent is a working parent) surround herself with a strong support network. And if you don't have pre-existing supports, by all means, hire them! As Penelope says, "I cut corners on things that I thought I could handle but couldn’t. And the biggest thing, in hindsight, that I thought I could handle, was being a working mom with no support system. No one can do that and stay sane." Amen to that, Penelope!

Feeling Confident and Competent: A Possible Antidote to Anxiety

Anxiety often has more influence in particular settings in our lives, less so in others. For some, family life is fraught with anxiety. For others, anxiety has its strongest pull while at work, school, or just being alone. If you find that anxiety speaks to you less loudly in certain spheres than others, it may be because some practices of competence and confidence help keep anxiety at bay in those settings. A former client of mine found that he experienced anxiety less acutely at work, where he felt confident and competent in his job, and less so at home where his family demeaned him for experiencing severe anxiety. My client worked with chronically ill patients who could sympathize with him about living with a debilitating affliction that often comes on without warning. At work he felt valued for the service he provided, was given positive feedback about his performance, and was offered some breathing room when he wasn't feeling at his best.

His home life was a very different story, with a lot of dismissiveness, negativity, and a sense that he should just "get over" the anxiety. At home he learned to remind himself of all the ways he was confident and competent in other areas of life, and though he couldn't control what family members might say, he could be his "own safe harbor" in his mind when their negativity would start to get to him.

In our own lives we can find areas where we feel a great sense of confidence and competence, and remind ourselves of those successes when dealing with other areas of life where anxiety speaks more loudly.

Family-Leave and the Family Values Set

During summertime, I find it difficult to read anything beyond the headlines of Us Weekly and People magazines while waiting in line at the supermarket. An article by Eyal Press in the New York Times Sunday Magazine (July 29, 2007) not only held my limited attention, but left me outraged. The Family Medical Leave Act guarantees caregivers time off from work to care for family members in the event of a medical crisis. More and more, employers are passing over for promotions--or in some cases, firing--mothers or others who care for dependents based on the assumption that they will perform less adequately at their jobs than those without such family obligations. Mr. Press details the cases of several caregivers who were passed over for promotions, demoted, or fired because they took a family medical leave of absence. In one case, a man who was caring for his newborn daughter and wife who was undergoing a difficult recovery from delivery was told by his employer that unless his "wife is in a coma or dead, you can't be primary care provider." He sued, and won.

While I generally find the litiginous nature of our society to be detrimental to families (see my earlier post on divorce), I think workers must take a stand that there are times when a family member's care will require a leave of absence WITH the expectation that one will return to work at full capacity as soon as one can. I think it is also high time to disabuse employers of the notion that mothers are less dedicated workers than non-mothers. (Press notes that mothers are paid a starting salary $11,000 less than non-mothers.) As our society ages, more and more workers will require some leave to care for aging relatives. This issue, thus, affects all of us, parents and non-parents alike, for we all are children and grandchildren of people who are aging. Press also notes in his article that if employers are able to flex to help employees meet their familial and work obligations, they are rewarded with employee loyalty unmatched by other companies'. It shows how a little compassion can go a long way.