Making the Parent-Track the Fast Track

Hearing the news that Caroline Kennedy had withdrawn her name as a possible successor to Hilary Clinton in the Senate reminded me of an essay I read by the fantastic New York Times work/family life writer Lisa Belkin. Belkin argues that "experience" only counts on a resume if it's "work" experience. Work done outside of a job, say, serving on a board or volunteering at a child's school is valued less when interviewing for a paid job. Inherent in this assumption is that unpaid work experiences are less valuable than paid ones. Yet, the skills gained in these volunteer experienced could prove incredibly useful to employers. A parent who starts a club or program at a school knows something about doing research, working collaboratively with other stakeholders, and responding to feedback. In organizing a fundraiser, parents learn about marketing, soliciting community members, and event coordination. To my mind, these seem like directly applicable (paid) job skills.

When parents consult with me about leaving or re-joing the (paid) workforce, I hear a great deal of anxiety in these decisions. How will this time away from paid work be viewed? Will I be considered for jobs after an extended absence?

It seems to me that we as parents need to better articulate what we've gained from parenting and translate that experience into terms employers can understand. Our parenthood can make us more efficient at work (all the better to get home to our families sooner.) We are better at hearing out differences in opinion. We can adjust to change more easily.

There are a host of intangible benefits to parenting. And some of these intangibles can have real value in the marketplace of paid work. We as parents need to start talking as our "time off" with kids as "time on." As Belkin says, "But let’s stop with this talk of inexperience when we mean a range of experiences, many shaped by motherhood. The only way work will become more flexible for everyone, for all of us, is if the untraditional begins to count."

Financial-Anxiety-Proof Your Relationship

I thought this article from the New York Times captures the ways in which our financial anxiety can rear its head in our relationships. I never cease to wonder at the many ways people find to limit anxiety's presence in their lives and relationships (e.g. doing yoga, sure, but watching campy sitcoms? Why not!) I think the important lesson from the article is that while we may each have very different reactions to economic difficulties, it's essential that we understand our partner's and our own ways of coping, and to be supportive of each other's process. Your relationship will be the better for it--in good financial times or bad.

Mantras for Financial Anxiety

Here it is, months after I first wrote about financial anxiety, and yet the topic is still much at the fore. The U.S. presidential debates covered the subject at length last night. The lead story of every major newspaper tells of more terrible financial news. Personally, I can name several people who have lost jobs amidst this crisis.

Now, financial anxiety, like all other forms of anxiety, can have its benefits, too. Financial anxiety can get us to plan for the future, start a "rainy day" fund, update the resume, or work on increasing our education and skills in our chosen fields. Financial anxiety can goad us into finishing today what we might prefer to put off for later. That's anxiety at its most helpful.

What's unhelpful about anxiety is the constant worry, dread, that heaviness in your stomach or chest that says, "All is not right with the world." This type of financial anxiety is paralyzing because it is not actionable. As individuals, we cannot fix the world's financial crisis. When this type of anxiety rears its head, it's often helpful to have a mantra to remind ourselves to put it in its proper place. My friend Marla likes to say, "Sometimes, it's just money," meaning, money can't make us happier, or healthier, more loved, or less stressed. Sometimes, money is just money. I also like my mother-in-law's mantra: "A problem that can be fixed with money is not really a problem." In the hierarchy of problems, financial ones fall far below other issues, like losing loved ones or living with declining health.

It's important to remember that anxiety often wants us to lose sight of what we can be grateful for, and leave us to dwell on our concerns. By using a mantra, hopefully we can keep sight of the light in the corners, and put the bleak economic news in its proper place.

Alternative Treatments for Mood Disorders

With the days growing shorter here in Seattle, it's hard not to notice the way the changing seasons can affect one's mood. Coupled with the recent terrible financial crisis news, there's lots of grist out there for anxiety's and depression's mill.

I've also been thinking about the growing numbers of people who have been laid off (or are due to be laid off) from their jobs, and will be going without health insurance. Without such insurance, the cost of psychopharmacological interventions can be prohibitive. With that in mind, here are a few ideas for (potentially) lower cost alternatives:

Light Therapy: Long recommended as a treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), there is growing evidence (as in this meta-analysis by Gjerdingen) that it can be effective for treating antenatal and postpartum mood disorders. And while phototherapy equipment isn't cheap (I think they go for $250, or thereabouts), it's still less expensive than a month-long trip to Hawaii (which, in my opinion, the government should subsidize for us in the far northern reaches of the U.S., don't you agree?)

Massage Therapy: Gjerdingen also points out that massage therapy has been effective in reducing stress and anxiety symptoms in teenage mothers (a notoriously stressed-out group). Yes, massage therapy can become pricey quickly. It's worth asking at your local massage school or community college about their rates for student massages. (Many charge little or nothing at all in exchange for helping out a massage student.)

Yoga: I've written lots about yoga's beneficial effects on anxiety and depression in this blog. Please see my previous posts for evidence of its efficacy, and particular poses to try for various mood problems.

I'm sure lots of you have ideas about inexpensive ways of coping when mood problems set in. You are welcome to post them in the comments section, so we may all learn from each other's experience and wisdom.

Talking to Your Kids About Financial Anxiety

Growing up in Michigan in the 1980s, my family lived through an especially bleak period of economic history. Though I was in elementary school at the time, I was acutely aware of the economic uncertainty in my corner of the world. Several of my classmates moved to Alaska, California, and the South, their parents unable to find work. My father went through long stretches of unemployment over the course of four years, with stints at work just long enough to prolong his unemployment benefits. I remember the nightly news compared Michigan's unemployment rate with that of the Republic of Ireland's (around 13%, if memory serves--but oh, for Michigan's economy to be compared to the Celtic Tiger's now...)

If you are feeling anxious about your family's financial situation, chances are your children feel it, too. Here are three things you can do with children of all ages to help assuage your family's financial anxiety:

With Toddlers: Just say no. Perhaps you bought special treats for them while out shopping before. You are in charge, and it's okay to say no to purchases you might have made before. When grocery shopping, pack along snacks you know your toddler enjoys to avoid tantrums in the cookie and cracker aisle. And if your toddler screams throughout the store for that special snack, that's okay (albeit, highly irritating). If people glare at you in the store, remind yourself that those looks mean, "that's a parent who knows how to set limits." Good for you!

With elementary-school age kids: They really want to be helpful. They really do. And they understand the ethic of helping their family. Explaining to them that while certain activities might be too expensive (e.g. lavish parties, theme parks, camp), there are lots of ways to have fun or to earn money towards something they'd like to do. Your kids might enjoying organizing a garage sale of their unwanted toys and clothes to put toward something they really want. They can have book or toy swaps with friends to get a new-to-them item. And to help them understand the ways they are fortunate, your family can volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter. They really, really want to be helpful; they just don't always know how to do the helping.

Tweens and Teens: This age group is hard, no doubt. They are under a lot of pressure to look the "right" way. Let them know that you understand style matters at this age. Also let them understand how much is in your family budget for things like clothes. If they haven't discovered it already, your t(w)een will appreciate how much further her clothing dollar goes at thrift stores. (I just saw a navy pleated mini-skirt with green embroidered skulls at Goodwill that I would have killed for when I was 16 and first discovered the many joys of thrift store shopping.) And speaking of budgets, if your t(w)een is interested, share with them the family budget. Maybe she has ideas for trimming costs. A real go-getter might find you a more competitive rate on insurance or a mortgage, or compare prices online for regular purchases. As the recent mortgage crisis points out, it's never too early to give your children a good financial education.

Coping With Financial Anxiety

The financial news these days is pretty bleak: The national average for a gallon of gasoline is roughly $4. The housing foreclosure crisis continues apace. And the U.S. dollar looks like spare change when compared with the pound, euro, or even the Canadian dollar! How the mighty have fallen, indeed.

Being surrounded by news of financial distress--not to mention the cold, hard facts of the prices at the pump and the supermarket--is bound to take a toll on one's feelings of financial security. Here's three ideas for helping quiet your financial anxiety.

1. Examine Your Budget. If you've never drawn up a budget before, start with that first. (It's easy to do if you limit your discretionary spending to credit cards.) Look where the money goes. Does the amount you spend raise your anxiety when compared with your income? Focus on the spending categories you can control. Some expenses may be difficult to reduce, like housing, groceries, or utilities, but others, such as entertainment, eating out, or clothing are easier to rein in. Put your savings into a "rainy day" fund or some such account that you can point to when financial anxiety will not stop nagging you.

2. Share Your Strength. You're a fantastic knitter, car repairer, cook, stitcher, gardener, dog walker, or caregiver. Why not barter your services in exchange for something a friend or acquaintance can do for you? (Personally, I would love to trade rhubarb for a pre-natal massage, but then, I gotta find someone who really loves the rhubarb. I've got a lot of rhubarb.) Bartering can help shave a bit off your expenses while allying you with someone else who's trying to make a go of it in this sluggish economy.

3. Talk to Someone. When financial anxiety will not keep quiet, it's helpful to talk to someone who can remind you of all your good financial practices and keep you focused on your budgetary goals. Talking to someone who shares your anti-financial anxiety stance can help keep your attention on the things you can control while letting go of the things you can't.

Coming Soon: Helping Children Cope in Tough Financial Times