Surviving Out Loud

Getting a mood disorder is like getting the flu.  It strikes seemingly at random.  No one is to blame.    No one should feel ashamed or guilty that they have it.  There's no vaccine or miracle cure, but there is hope. It sucks, but it will get better with treatment and care.

That's why I love Katherine Stone's album of postpartum mood survivors over on her great Postpartum Progress site.  Just beautiful families who have overcome great hardship to survive and thrive.  As Stone says, "We aren’t defective. We aren’t strange or unusual. We are great moms who were waylaid temporarily by a terrible illness."  And there's nothing shameful in being laid up by a terrible illness.  Indeed, in the same way that catching the flu can make a body more resistant to future illness, surviving a postpartum mood disorder makes a family tougher and more resilient in the face of future struggles. 

Finding a Formula for Successful Families

As a child of the '70s, I was weaned, per my pediatrician's instructions, around 5 months and given formula thereafter.  My mom recalls being advised that this course of action was the "healthy" option for infants. I'm baically a  healthy person--no history of major illnesses or developmental problems. Sure, I could always use a few extra IQ points, but I don't think being formula-fed has held me back from winning a Nobel or anything.

That's why I found myself saying, "Amen, sister!" while reading this article by Alissa Quart in the New York Times on Sunday. Since the 1970s, the American Academy of Pediatrics has reversed course and now recommends that mothers breastfeed exclusively for the first year of a child's life.

Well, that's all fine and good, but many mothers of newborns run into numberous adversities in breastfeeding:  latching problems, low output, pain or discomfort while nursing, or unsupportive (or even hostile) work environments for pumping,  There's a myriad of reasons why a mother might choose formula, and shaming her for that choice is unhelpful--and maybe even harmful.

So, let's focus on what Ms. Quart advises in her article:  child outcomes.  We have lots of data that says free early childhood education, paid parenting leave, and more workplace flexibility lead to better outcomes for children and families.  More support for working parents sounds to my formula-nourished mind like the healthiest option of all.

Out-Sneaking Sneaky Poo

One of the most exasperating problems parents of young children face is having a potty-trained child who continues to soil herself.  It's stinky.  It's messy.  It's embarassing for the child and parents, alike.  It creates a lot of extra laundry and clean-up.  And in some circumstances, it can alter a family's social life.

So, what's a parent to do?  Here's a few thoughts to help keep your cool when "sneaky poo" tries to get your skivvies in a bunch:

Remember: soiling problems are common.  You and your child are not alone.  The stigma surrounding soiling problems, however, can make it feel very lonely.

Your child is not the problem.  Sneaky poo is the problem.  You and your child must present a unified front to conquer sneaky poo.

Children have marvellously rich imaginary powers.  How can your child imagine herself out-sneaking sneaky poo?  If he were his favorite superhero, how would the superhero defeat sneaky poo?  If her favorite author wrote a story about a child who out-sneaked sneaky poo, how do you think the story would go?

Small successes are successes.  Celebrating and documenting successful moments will help add "stickiness" to those memories, which are easily overlooked if sneaky poo has a sneak attack.

 Michael White, an incredibly gifted therapist who left us too soon, literally wrote the book on overcoming sneaky poo.  He generously made his work on sneaky poo available to families.  It's an incredibly valuable resource that has helped countless families tackle the sneaky poo problem.

Here's wishing you and yours lots of clean, dry pants.

Finding Gratitude in Unlikely Places

I am grateful for hair-pulling, biting, pushing, shoving, screaming and crying.  Ok, not so much those behaviors, per se, but what they represent.

I was talking with a mother of two young children this morning who says she struggles with helping her children play together successfully.  Her 6 year-old likes to make elaborate lego projects that her 2 year-old brother likes to take down Godzilla-style.  She has tried convincing her daughter to build these projects in her room.  She has tried redirecting her son toward different toys.  Neither of these strategies has worked.

They want to be together, which is nice, I told her.  It's what I tell myself when my own daughters have the same fight...over and over again.  They could play in separate rooms or with separate toys,  goodness knows we have more than enough to go around.  But the separation wouldn't meet their needs for togetherness, which is a strong need, indeed.  And sometimes they play together successfully.  I just tend not to notice, since no one is screaming, "Mom, help!" at those moments. So I try to remind myself of the lovely part of their siblinghood when I extract one from the other, teeth bared and tears flowing.

I've learned a lot from clients who've consulted with me over the years about finding gratitude in unlikely places.  They've found it in seeing they have choices, even when those choices aren't the  greatest.  In finding calm in an otherwise anxiety-provoking time while washing dishes or pulling weeds.  In having a major life crisis hold a mirror up to their life and finding they don't like what they see and using their resources to change it.

There is much to be grateful for, even in trying times.  Sometimes we have to look beyond the initial ugliness to find the beauty at its core.

Emotions, Learning, and The Child's Brain

I was, for a brief time, an elementary special education teacher. While my students' test scores indicated that they were not "performing at grade level", they're participation in my class suggested otherwise. Indeed, they were all capable of doing the work. They were a very intelligent, thoughtful, and engaging group. Their home lives, however, were highly unpredictable and anxiety-provoking. How well would you do on a test if your parent was in prison, drug-addicted, or severely depressed?

I'll you: Not well, my friends. Not well.

So, that's why I'm pleased to see the topic of Seattle's Maria Montessori Language and Cultural Center's Workshop: On Emotions, Learning and The Child's Brain being offered on Saturday, 10/15 from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. A highly worthy topic for our times. Hope some of you can make it.

The "We Decade" Dilemma

Fresh from her appearance on The Colbert Report, Stephanie Coontz proffered her well-researched opinion to the audience of anxious parents and parents-to-be at the Parent Map-sponsored Baby Map Event. Ms. Coontz said that she has found in her research that while parents are spending more time with their children, they do so at the expense of time spent with other adults or as a couple. This observation rang true to my ears, as I've grown accustomed to hearing from clients with children: "Are we normal? Does this experience happen to other people? I honestly have nothing to compare ourselves against!" The hard truth is, yes, these families are quite normal. And yes, the parents in these households are so cut off from other adults in similar situations that they can't possibly realize how common their situation is.

So, what to do? First, today's parents, congratulate yourselves on spending more time with your children than previous generations. Second, remind yourself that to be the best parent you can be, you need to be a fulfilled adult and partner. When reviewing your calendar, take note of how many fun and enriching events you have posted for your children when compared with those for you and for your relationship as a couple. Do the numbers skewed in the kid's favor? Then get some "me time" and "us time" on there, pronto!

Teaching Empathy in Extra-Large Doses

Today, my 2 y.o. bit another child. I know "why" she did it: She has speech and hearing challenges. Another child was playing with a toy she wanted. She can't say: "I want that, too. Can I have a turn please?" But, you better believe the kid she bit dropped the toy like a hot potato. So, biting is effective for getting the toy--less so when one wants to make friends, which she really, really wants. So that's the "why" of it. But harder still is coming up with the "how" in helping her have empathy for other children when she is feeling flustered.

I've been doing a post-mortem of my responses to her biting of other children, and I was relieved to read this article by Dr. Meryl Lipton and find that I've done most of her recommended steps in helping her learn empathy. I haven't yet experimented with the drawing exercises, but I'm itching to try them out, despite having drawing skills not much better than my toddler daughter's. Perhaps she'll develop a little empathy for her artistically-challenged mother, too.

Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

I highly recommend this TED talk from the founders of babble.com who (with hilarious charts and graphs) deconstruct much of the "conventional wisdom" of new parenthood, miscarriage, and hanging in there as a couple. Funny, touching, and important. Please share with new or expecting parents.

To Use or Not to Use Antipsychotic Drugs on Children

My friend Ruthie is getting her PhD in couples and family therapy, which is great because (A): she is super smart and hard-working, and (B): she shares her readings with me, so I don't have to go to the trouble of hunting down the latest research myself!

So, this recent article she shared piqued my interest because many families struggle with the question of whether to medicate a young child who has violent outbursts.

I've seen it both ways. Some kids are really helped by medication, but ONLY IF they are properly diagnosed and treated. Others are mis-diagnosed and over-medicated. By the time they reach 13 or 14 years-old, they realize they've been mistreated and are really, really angry and distrustful of the health system and the adults around them. And either way, it still leaves open the question of what the long-term effects are of antipsychotics on young children. We just don't have the long-term case studies to know with certainty what the outcome will be.

Kyle's family's story illustrates that when family's like his are given counseling and other social supports, children's behavior changes. And at least with counseling, we know there are no long-term biological effects. Long-term social-emotional effects, yes indeed, but physiological harm: no way!

Because You are (or You Know) a Mom who Needs a Night Out

All right, ladies, bring on the sequins and taffeta: It's prom time! (Only this time it's for a cause better than overcoming awkwardness and proving your date's got nothing on your dance moves.)


THE MOM PROM:
DANCING, DRINKS, DESSERT
FOR A GREAT CAUSE

8 P.M. TO MIDNIGHT
APRIL 10
NAVAL RESERVE BUILDING, SOUTH LAKE UNION

ADVANCE TICKETS: $35
(that includes 2 drinks)
www.seattlemomprom.com

"I started thinking about putting together the Seattle Mom Prom when I became a parent and realized how crucial having a solid support system is for mothers. I wanted to organize an event for women to honor and celebrate moms, and support a great organization like Postpartum Support International of Washington," said Myla Rugge, founder of the Seattle Mom Prom.

All proceeds from the Seattle Mom Prom will directly benefit Postpartum Support International (PSI) of Washington, a non-profit organization designed to support and educate women, families and professionals about Postpartum Mood Disorders (PPMD). For more information about PSI of WA, please contact 1-888-404-PPMD (7763) or visit www.ppmdsupport.com.

Nature + Nurture = Healthy Relationships

I like what Bruce had to say on his blog about parenting orchids and dandelions:

The key to understanding orchids, dandelions and parents might be in conceptualizing the relationships between us all as the central point of focus, moving away from the notion of stand-alone gifted or troubled children toward an emphasis on trusting and nourishing vs. troubled and destructive relationships.

Amen, Bruce. We're all in this together.

Channeling Your Orchid's Yetser Hara

I am really not up on my Torah, but the concept of "yetser hara" as described in Wendy Mogel's "Blessing of a Skinned Knee" makes a lot of sense. The way I understand it, yetser hara is one's inclination toward rule-breaking and adventure. Its counterpart, yetser tov, is our inclination to hold these desires in check, to toe the line.

Using these concepts to better understand how parents must tailor their parenting style to a child's personality, it may be useful to think about how orchids may have a more generous dose of "yetser hara" than their dandelion peers. This inclination toward risk-taking, while useful in many settings, seems an obvious disadvantage when breaking a rule might lead to a lack of safety, such as in failing to look both ways to cross the street. With orchids, parents would be wise to choose which rule-following battles to fight. Perhaps a parent might be more lenient about their orchid daughter climbing to the top of the monkey bars unassisted, while sticking to their guns about having an adult present in the kitchen while operating the stove.

I was thinking about how yetser hara would also apply to discipline, namely, that old stand-by, the time out. Children with more yetser tov, might do fine to sit compliantly for three minutes in a time out chair, but orchids might need some help bringing their yetser hara in check. Perhaps parents might prefer to model how one brings oneself under control by sitting quietly for one minute next to their "timed out" youngster. A parent could practice yoga breathing techniques (see early posts for ideas), repeating a mantra, or simply sitting quietly in a meditative, seated position. Whatever one chooses to do to model controlling one's own yetser hara, it seems that getting into a battle of wills with an orchid over discipline is a losing propostion. And yet plenty of well-intentioned parenting books would have you believe otherwise.

I think that's the "art" part of parenting. While parenting books would have you believe there's one magic formula for parenting children, the reality is that our children's temperments run the gamut. Yes, they need to learn discipline, but they also need to challenge themselves to grow and become the unique adult they are meant to be. A skinned knee is indeed a blessing if it allows a child to test her limits safely.

Preventing Holiday Meltdown

Feeling overwhelmed by the mad dash to the holidays, I took a break to read my friend Kristen's thoughts on preventing holiday meltdowns--both for yourself and for the little ones. I will keep her ideas about setting realistic expectations for holiday activities much in the fore of my mind over the next few weeks. Thanks, Kristen!

New Workshop on November 12 for Expectant and Pre-Adoption Couples

Baby-Proof Your Relationship Workshop
(for Expectant and Pre-Adoption Parents)

Is the thought “We’re not prepared for this baby!” keeping you up at night?

In this workshop, you and your partner will create a toolbox to:

• Improve communication
• Resolve conflict
• Create a values-based schedule for post-baby life
• Set a strong foundation for a partnership that can weather the ups and downs of parenthood
• Gain confidence in your ability to parent as a team
• Know the warning signs of Postpartum Depression and other mood problems and where to go for help
• Access community resources to develop your vocation as parents

WHEN: Thursday, November 12, 7:00-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: Rainier House Meeting Room, 5270 Rainier Avenue South, Seattle 98118

COST: $40/Couple


For more information and to register, contact:

Shannon Armitage, MA, LMFT at Center for Life Transitions, LLC
www.lifetransitions.blogspot.com
206-356-5645
lifetransitions@gmail.com

Play’s the Thing: Inoculate yourself and your relationship against the stress of parenting

Doctors are fond of saying to patients, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” This same notion holds true for the health of family and couple relationships as well. Parenting is undoubtedly a rewarding and fulfilling endeavor, but it can also be a taxing and trying one—especially on a couple’s relationship. To help weather the ups and downs, couples would do well to take stock of the preventive methods they have at their disposal against parenting stress and burn-out.

Children innately know this idea that parents often have to re-learn: Every day should include time for play. Through play, one learns how to solve problems, cooperate, express creativity, and master new skills. Growth as individuals, couples, and families is predicated on constructive play. By following these three steps, couples will inoculate their relationship against the strains of parenthood.

1. Make time to be on your own
Spouses may want to choose a night that one can call her/his own. This “time off” is really “time on” to strengthen one’s sense of identity outside of the family, to engage in healthy activities, re-connect with friends, or simply decompress.

2. Make time to play as a family
Depending on the ages of the children, families can expect to find new and different ways of playing together as children grow. Parents of young children might enjoy outings to playgrounds, beaches, zoos or children’s museums. Sports events, video games, movies, hiking, or amusement parks are all fine ways of playing with older children. The key is to find activities everyone finds pleasant.

3. Make time to play as a couple
Couples often fall into the trap of thinking they need a babysitter to have a “date”. While a babysitter does make it easy to have time together as a couple, parents can also enjoy “stay-dates” by making time after the children are in bed to talk, massage each other’s shoulders, or listen to music that isn’t child-friendly. Parents would do well to check in with each other about how well they’re doing as individuals, a couple, and a family in ensuring everyone’s needs for separation and connection are being met.

Most parents recognize that their children’s job is to play. Making appointments to play alone, as a couple and as a family is harder to remember to do. Parents would do well, however, when scheduling their children’s play-dates to make sure their scheduling their own as well.

Intentional Fathering Lecture at Mosaic Coffeehouse on Sept. 30

Postpartum Support International of Washington presents an evening with psychotherapist Derek Trlica, MA, LMHC on intentional fathering at Mosaic Coffeehouse on Sept. 30. Burning questions to be answered include: What kind of father would I like to be? How do other dads do it? What might stop me from being a good father?

Here are the deets: Mosaic Coffeehouse is located at 4401 2nd Ave. NE. in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle. The lecture is scheduled for Sept. 30, 7:00-8:30 p.m. A $5 donation is suggested to benefit PSI of WA. RSVP to 1-888-404-7763 or heidikossnobel@comcast.com.

Recommended Reading for Expectant Parents

A very dear friend of mine recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. In her quest to feel more empowered than she did with the birth of her first child, she did some homework. A lot of homework! After reading her way through numerous books, here are her "must reads" for expectant parents:

1. Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin
2. Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin
3. Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Dr. Sarah J. Buckley
4. The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer
5. The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger
6. Birthing from Within by Pam England
7. Hearts & Hands by Elizabeth Davis
8. The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin

I wish all expectant parents a birth story that's full of ease, grace, and delight.

Postpartum Phone Support Available for Dads

I've written here before about the mounting evidence that fathers experience postpartum mood disorders at about the same rates as mothers: approximately one in ten. The resources available for treatment, however, are much more oriented toward a mother's needs and experiences.

Postpartum Support International is working to correct this imbalance. PSI hosts a weekly "Chat With an Expert" every Monday for men who are experiencing symptoms of PPMD or for others who care about someone who is. Will Courtney, PhD, and Susan Dowd Stone, MSW, LCSW, will be taking calls to answer your questions.

When the "Home Game" Isn't Dad's "A Game"

I heard Michael Lewis, author of "Home Game," interviewed on Charlie Rose today. While a number of women have come forward about their feelings of numbness after the birth of their children (Brooke Shields, most notably, comes to mind), men have been virtually silent on the issue. It was so refreshing to hear this interview where Lewis confesses, despite the social pressure to remain silent, that he did not feel instant love for his newborn. He shares how he eventually came to love his baby, but only after the fog of sleep deprivation and new parent anxiety lifted. An important new book has arrived just in time for Father's Day.

Reflective Parenting Lecture in Seattle

For all the Seattle parents, I highly recommend this Reflective Parenting lecture by Margaret Bergmann-Ness. Margaret is a very thoughtful practitioner and Tuesday's lecture is sure to leave parents feeling recharged and in charge. I would attend myself, but alas, I'm seeing a client that night. Here are the details:

What does my child need during a tantrum?

What do I need??

How do old patterns from my childhood
repeat in my current family?

Postpartum Support International of Washington
proudly presents an evening with


Margaret Bergmann-Ness, MA, LICSW

to discuss

Reflective Parenting

An approach to parenting that can
· improve communication
· help you understand your child's emotions
· increase your confidence as a parent

Tuesday, May 19, 2009
7:00 - 8:30 pm

Mosaic Coffeehouse - 4401 2nd Ave NE, Seattle, WA

Suggested donation $5

Questions? 1-888-404-7763 (PPMD)