Resolve to Reach Resolution

So, you've made yet another new year's resolution:  to lose weight, to exercise more, to quit smoking, to spend less.  This time, you promise yourself, your sticking to it.  Really.

So where there's a will, there's a way, right?  Well, that's true, sort of, according to a recent article in the New York Times by John Tierney.  Turns out, we all have willpower, it just happens to be finite.  When there's willpower left in the tank, there's a way.

So, how does one keep from spending one's limited supply of willpower?  Avoid temptation.  Easy, right?

Let's say your resolution is to quit smoking.  All you have to do is avoid situations where cigarettes lurk.  In Seattle, the smoking ban in bars and restaurants is tremendously helpful.  But there's still the "smoker's corners" outside office buildings.  The ads for cigarettes at every gas station, convenience store, and grocery.  That's a lot of opportunity for temptation to set in.  Choose your daily route carefully.

So, what replenishes willpower?  Positive reinforcement.  What should you do with the money you saved by not buying a pack of cigarettes today?  Reward yourself with another pleasurable purchase:  a fun app for your phone, a favorite magazine, a warm drink, anything that says "reward!" to the pleasure center of your brain.  Longer-term rewards are good, too.  Curtailing a $6/day habit after a year could net you as much as $2000.  Cruise much, lately?

Accountability is another major factor in sticking to the resolution.  Share successes with a close confidante. Share failures, too.  Do a post-mortem on what's going well, and where you'd like to improve.  Saying it out loud to someone, writing it in a journal, keeping a blog, tweeting, putting post-it notes around your home or office (or both!), all of these activities will increase the "stickiness" of the changes you're making and will help hold you accountable to your plan.

There's enough willpower in your account to make the changes you'd like to see in your life.  Spend that willpower wisely, and when in doubt, phone a friend!

Play’s the Thing: Inoculate yourself and your relationship against the stress of parenting

Doctors are fond of saying to patients, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” This same notion holds true for the health of family and couple relationships as well. Parenting is undoubtedly a rewarding and fulfilling endeavor, but it can also be a taxing and trying one—especially on a couple’s relationship. To help weather the ups and downs, couples would do well to take stock of the preventive methods they have at their disposal against parenting stress and burn-out.

Children innately know this idea that parents often have to re-learn: Every day should include time for play. Through play, one learns how to solve problems, cooperate, express creativity, and master new skills. Growth as individuals, couples, and families is predicated on constructive play. By following these three steps, couples will inoculate their relationship against the strains of parenthood.

1. Make time to be on your own
Spouses may want to choose a night that one can call her/his own. This “time off” is really “time on” to strengthen one’s sense of identity outside of the family, to engage in healthy activities, re-connect with friends, or simply decompress.

2. Make time to play as a family
Depending on the ages of the children, families can expect to find new and different ways of playing together as children grow. Parents of young children might enjoy outings to playgrounds, beaches, zoos or children’s museums. Sports events, video games, movies, hiking, or amusement parks are all fine ways of playing with older children. The key is to find activities everyone finds pleasant.

3. Make time to play as a couple
Couples often fall into the trap of thinking they need a babysitter to have a “date”. While a babysitter does make it easy to have time together as a couple, parents can also enjoy “stay-dates” by making time after the children are in bed to talk, massage each other’s shoulders, or listen to music that isn’t child-friendly. Parents would do well to check in with each other about how well they’re doing as individuals, a couple, and a family in ensuring everyone’s needs for separation and connection are being met.

Most parents recognize that their children’s job is to play. Making appointments to play alone, as a couple and as a family is harder to remember to do. Parents would do well, however, when scheduling their children’s play-dates to make sure their scheduling their own as well.

Follow-up to Yoga Breathing for What Ails You

I was glancing through Harvard Medical School's online dictionary of complementary/alternative medical terms when I came across the listing for yoga. The listing summarizes research done on how yoga has been effective in treating a variety of ailments, including obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety, and other mood problems.

Even the smarty-pants doctors at Harvard say: Remember to Breathe!

The Mind-Body Solution

I just took my marriage and family therapy licensing exam today, which reminded me of the importance of being physically well to perform mentally well. During the days leading up to my exam, I took great care to get lots of rest, limit my caffeine intake, drink lots of water, eat healthfully, and make time for exercise. Truly, it's the lifestyle I should lead EVERY week, but today I really did notice a difference. In the past, I've experienced horrible test anxiety, but today I felt a great deal of calm. I sensed I'd prepared myself both physically and mentally well for the test, and I left the testing center feeling I'd done my best. Now, I'll have to wait for my scores to confirm how I did exactly, but for now I feel at peace that my physical and mental preparation kept test anxiety from pestering me today.

A Year's Worth of Vitamin D

It is 86 degrees (that's what?--28 to all you Canadians out there) today in Seattle. Now, I hope you are reading this after sundown because this is your chance to get in a year's worth of Vitamin D. And all you SAD-sufferers out there, take heart: there's more to come. The sunshine is nature's way of reminding us to play, preferably outside. So, lest I forget to heed my own advice, I'm off to a soccer game. Play, play, play!

Reducing Your Anxiety Footprint

What I like about the information campaign to reduce one's carbon footprint is how they give practical examples of life changes one can make to help the planet. I'd like to share some practical examples that others have taught me on how to reduce one's "anxiety footprint", if you will. Not all of these behavior changes will work for everyone, but you might find one in there that helps reduce the anxiety we carry.

1. Reduce Your Caffeine Consumption. Sounds easy enough, I know, but, man, is it hard to live out. Personally, I lean toward the weaning method. Drink 3 cups of coffee in the morning? Try 2. Grind your own half-caff blend at home, or order it from your coffee shop. Make every third soda pop of the caffeine-free variety. Switching from coffee to black tea will also deliver a smaller jolt. I'm sure there are countless other ways to decrease your caffeine intake.

2. Stay Busy. Again, this one sounds simple but can be harder to manifest. One tried and true way is to join a group. I've known people who have enjoyed great breaks from anxiety by joining running groups or other organized sports. Others have signed up for classes or tried new hobbies in an effort to quiet anxiety. While others I know have simply written activities for themselves in their calendars, like taking a walk, going to a museum, play, or movie, or writing letters to far-off friends or relatives as a way to provide structure to their days. Idle time too often nurtures unwelcome anxiety.

3. Go to Sleep. Anxiety loves to pester a tired mind. We are simply more susceptible to its influence when we have fewer mental reserves. And at no time are our reserves at their lowest than when we are tired. I know the pharmaceutical companies would have you think that sleeping can be solved with a little pill, but I have yet to find a better result than by simply improving one's sleep hygiene. The most basic way to improve sleep hygiene is by maintaining a good sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, and wake around the same time each morning. Aim for 7-8 hours of sleep per night. And use your bed for sleeping--not email, not snacking, not talking on the phone. Sleeping (okay, and maybe that other thing, too), but first and foremost: Your Bed is for Sleeping!

Good luck with your own campaign to reduce your "anxiety footprint"!

Catching Up to the Clock

Since it is Spring-Ahead Monday, I just wanted to share a little reminder to go easy on ourselves today, as our bodies and brains try to catch up to the clock. Here are 4 reminders to help us be safe and well this week:

1. Allow yourself extra time to drive where you need to go. Or better yet, walk or take public transit until you feel your reaction time returning.

2. Eat a healthy dinner at least 2 hours before bedtime.

3. Choose a quiet, non-anxiety-inducing activity before bed, like reading, meditation, listening to music, or knitting (unless, of course, you're like me and would consider knitting an anxiety-inducing activity).

4. If possible, try to fit in 20 minutes or more of exercise, preferably in the beginning or middle of the day. Those yogis among us might like to try sun salutations first thing in the morning. Others might like to walk during lunch break, bike to work, or run around the park with your kids. No kids, you say? Then bring a basketball or soccer ball to the park and you are sure to meet some!

Getting Through the Day

The parents in our class at the Parent-Child Center at Seattle Central Community College brainstormed all the things we do to care for ourselves and survive the day. While some suggestions might not work for childless adults (e.g. trading childcare), some ideas might hold water even if you don't care for children (e.g. plan ahead for dinner, get enough sleep).

Here is the list compiled by the parents in our class:

*Make a spread sheet for you and your partner about responsibilities
*Give your partner clear messages about your needs
*Have a cup of tea
*Get enough sleep
*Have books, puzzles for downtime
*Be organized, think ahead
*Make the kids' lunches the night before
*Have structured activities for the kids
*Find an activity your child can do alone (e.g. listen to music)
*Have nutritious food
*Plan ahead for dinner
*Go to the coffee shop
*Get out of the house
*Trade child care
*Take a nap
*Pick one thing to get done during nap
*Take time for yourself during nap
*Trade with partner to go out
*Have time together after child's bed time
*Cocktails at 7 PM
*Kid-friendly happy hour in pubs
*Go to the park or play gym

What a Little Daylight Can Do

We've made over the hump: the darkest days of winter are behind us. But for those of us in the northern neck of the woods, there's still not a lot of sunlight out there. To get your daily shot of Vitamin D, try to get out for 30 minutes between noon and two--even on a cloudy day. Run your errands, take a walk, or just do laps around your office building. A little daylight can help re-boot your system--physically and mentally. And spring is not that far off either. Think: sun!

Tuning Your Instrument

In the Yoga Therapeutics workshop I attended today with veteran teacher J.J. Gormley, she used the metaphor of body as instrument. I think this is a particularly apt metaphor in thinking about the mind-body connection. When mind is "in tune", everything is in balance. Anxiety and depression can cause our instrument to go out of tune. Depression can cause our instrument to go flat. Tightening up the strings will bring the instrument back into tune. Anxiety makes our instrument play sharp. In that case, the strings need to be slackened.

Depression is an introverting force (or, langana, in Sanskrit) that encourages us to fold inward, close down. To bring the body back into balance (samana), start with the inclination to fold in, and gently coax the body outward. One way to do this is to start in staff pose. Inhale. Exhale and bend at the waist into a seated forward bend with your shins as your drishti, or focal point. Return to staff pose. Now, try seated forward bend, but make your toes your drishti. Come in and out of seated forward bend several times, moving your drishti incrementally higher each time, while noting any differences in your body's tuning in each subsequent staff pose. (Note: in order to keep your neck long, you will be bending less and less at the waist each time, keeping your head, neck, and torso in good alignment.) After doing the seated forward bend with your focal point at different heights, close the practice with your eyes focused on your shins one more time. What differences do you notice on your mind and body between holding your gaze outward versus downward?

Anxiety, on the contrary, is an agitating force (or in Sanskrit,brhmana), keeping the mind very busy. Start in table-top position. Inhale for 6 counts into cow pose. Exhale for 4 counts into cat. Repeat this a few times. Then equalize your breath for five counts each in cat and cow. After a few repetitions of equal breaths in cat and cow, shorten the inhale into cow to 4 breaths, and lengthen the exhale into cat to 6 breaths. Rest in child's pose. Notice if lengthening your exhale has had any effect on your instrument. Repeat the exercise again, keeping an awareness of how the change in breath alters the tuning of your instrument.

In your home practice, play around with poses using different gazing points or breathing techniques. Note which you experience as calming and which as energizing. When you start to sense anxiety or depression tapping on your shoulder, refer back to your catalogue of poses and implement those counter-balancing poses that could bring your instrument back into balance.

Zazen, Shavasana, or the Do-Nothing Meditation for the Mind

In high school, I had an English teacher who had a keen interest in Eastern philosophy. She introduced me to the Zen Buddhist concept of zazen, seated meditation, or as she described it, "do-nothing". In yoga, after a busy practice, one might end in shavasana, or "corpse pose." Both have at their heart the idea of allowing the body to rest, so that the mind might also quiet. Thoughts might enter one's mind--not to be analysed as good or bad--but to be observed with curious detatchment.

In my years of therapeutic collaboration, I have learned many ways of doing zazen from others. One client who has had difficulties with "perfectionism" for most of his life did zazen by lying in his bed, closing his eyes, putting on his headphones, and listening to sacred music or chanting. Some others say they practice zazen by silent prayer, or repeating a particular sacred verse or mantra. Other people I know use restorative yoga poses to help quiet their minds.

I have also found that for those (like me) who find it difficult to be physically still, it is possible to achieve zazen of the mind through kinesthetic activity. I know I have known periods of mental zazen while weeding, walking, running, swimming, cleaning, or doing yoga. I know plenty of knitters out there who would testify to the mental benefits of its simple repeated action.

I offer this idea of mental zazen as a counter-balance to anxiety's desire to "busy" the mind with its endless "chatter." Ask yourself, when do I get a break from thinking? When does thinking turn into "over-thinking"? How can I be more at peace with my thoughts? How can I resist the urge to re-live the past or to anticipate the future? What would it be like to simply observe my thoughts, such as the way an anthropologist might view a foreign culture? What "thinking space" can I open up that is currently occupied by anxiety, worry, perfectionism, or "should-isms"? If anxiety took up less "thought space", what might take its place?

Making time for zazen is not easy, I know--especially for all you parents out there! I hope to hear from readers about even more ways of practicing zazen, its benefits, and how it can become a regular and welcome practice in one's life.

Making Cliches Meaningful Again

You remember: Your high school English teacher warned you against using cliches, and so you rewrote those papers carefully editing out those hackneyed phrases, lest she come at them with a red pen. Now, we're adults, and cliche-free, right? Sadly, no. Think about all the well-intentioned yet substance-free goals we adults set for ourselves, (and yes, many of these are from my own life-script): I want to be a better parent. I want to deal with racism. I want to find balance. I'm looking for a soul mate. I want to be healthier. I want to be less stressed out. I want to feel better about myself.

All good ideas, yes, but the problem is they're so over-used, they've lost their meaning. Yet, these cliches can be meaningful again if you follow my English teacher husband's advice: Specific is terrific. If, for example, your goal is to be healthier, how will you know that you are healthier than you are now? Is there a goal that can be measured, as in weighing 5 pounds less, or running a nine-minute mile? For some, outcome measurement is an important means of substantive goal-setting. For others, process is more important. In wanting to be healthier, one might join a softball team or sign up for a yoga class. The specifics giving the cliche meaning will depend on the person, but if they are helpful in moving one toward a life intention, all are terrific.

Seasonal Transitions

As I look out my window, it appears that the summer sun has finally arrived here in the usually cool and cloudy Pacific Northwest. While the cooler months may present challenges for those who prefer their days without rain, the summertime can lead to that familiar refrain from little ones (or maybe even from yourself!): I'm bored! So, what to do this summer? Check out your local parks and recreation department for some activity ideas for even the doggiest of dog days this summer. Lawn bowling, anyone?

Those Ladies on The View, God Love 'Em!

While I generally try to avoid gossip-laden talk shows, I have to give it up to whomever it is on The View who is spearheading the special editions of The View dedicated to common mental health problems that affect so many people. You'll recall that I wrote about their show about Autism-Spectrum Disorders. Well, today's show was dedicated to equally debilitating illnesses: Depression and Bipolar Disorder. I was especially pleased that they chose to have a panelist, Dr. Hyla Cass whose practice focuses on naturopathic ways of treating mental illnesses. Rosie O'Donnell shared that she suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka SAD) and demonstrated the inversion treatment that she uses at home. For those of you interested in this treatment, but have neither the money or space for special equipment, you can achieve the same effects by doing this simpler version at home (i.e. viparita karani, for all you yogis out there): Make yourself into an L-shape by putting your feet up the wall while your head and torso rests on the floor. Rest with your palms facing upward. You can stay as long as you like, but to enjoy the benefits of increasing blood flow to your brain, you should stay in this position for at least five minutes. Once you try it, you may not want to get up! To get out of the position safely, bend your knees and roll over to your side. Rest for at least 10 seconds (more if you get head rushes easily) before pushing yourself up with your arms to a seated position. Take several more breaths before standing--and go slowly to avoid dizziness.

Depression affects 1 in 5 people (and perhaps more due to under-reporting). No one should suffer needlessly. There are therapies (naturopathic, talk, and drug) which taken either alone or in combination can speed relief.

Exercise and the Winter Blahs

We are in the dead of winter here in Seattle, which means it is also the dead of cold and flu season. With my blessings, my darling husband went away for a three-day ski trip with friends while I stayed behind with our sniffly 10 month old daughter. Well, as you might imagine, her little sniffles soon turned to a very nasty--and contagious--cold that put me under as well. Add to this "lovely" mix an ill-timed snow storm, and I found myself sick, alone, and stuck indoors with a sick baby. After three days of hibernating indoors, we were feeling a little better, though we were by no means fully recovered. I reminded myself that my daughter would not die if we walked to the playground and back. Though we were gone less than an hour, we returned home in improved spirits. When my husband returned that night, I could honestly say that I didn't begrudge him for going skiing and having fun without us. While I would have certainly appreciated his company and help over the weekend, he couldn't have magically made our noses drain any faster, suppressed our coughs, or eased our fatigue.

I share this story because I believe if we hadn't gone on that short walk, my mood would have probably been a lot worse when he came home. I might have tried to hold him responsible for my having a trying weekend at home, when really no one is to blame: It's just winter, and so sometimes we get sick and feel terrible. Despite "knowing" the truth in my head, a part of me may have wanted to make him feel guilty for leaving--a part of me that might have tried to pick a fight. Instead, I believe that, with exercise, another part--a better part--of me prevailed that night, and I'm happy to report we had a very enjoyable conversation about our weekends over a long, relaxed dinner. I hope that in the future that our evening together will serve as an important reminder that a little exercise for me can lead to a more harmonious and enjoyable family life.