"I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

Trying to make sense of what happened in Connecticut? You must read this piece by the Anarchist Soccer Mom about her struggle to get help for her son who's affected by mental illness in a society that has so few resources to offer them. We must be able to provide better options for people suffering from mental illness than "jail" or "death". Please share her brave and important story...

Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

I highly recommend this TED talk from the founders of babble.com who (with hilarious charts and graphs) deconstruct much of the "conventional wisdom" of new parenthood, miscarriage, and hanging in there as a couple. Funny, touching, and important. Please share with new or expecting parents.

Mantras for Financial Anxiety

Here it is, months after I first wrote about financial anxiety, and yet the topic is still much at the fore. The U.S. presidential debates covered the subject at length last night. The lead story of every major newspaper tells of more terrible financial news. Personally, I can name several people who have lost jobs amidst this crisis.

Now, financial anxiety, like all other forms of anxiety, can have its benefits, too. Financial anxiety can get us to plan for the future, start a "rainy day" fund, update the resume, or work on increasing our education and skills in our chosen fields. Financial anxiety can goad us into finishing today what we might prefer to put off for later. That's anxiety at its most helpful.

What's unhelpful about anxiety is the constant worry, dread, that heaviness in your stomach or chest that says, "All is not right with the world." This type of financial anxiety is paralyzing because it is not actionable. As individuals, we cannot fix the world's financial crisis. When this type of anxiety rears its head, it's often helpful to have a mantra to remind ourselves to put it in its proper place. My friend Marla likes to say, "Sometimes, it's just money," meaning, money can't make us happier, or healthier, more loved, or less stressed. Sometimes, money is just money. I also like my mother-in-law's mantra: "A problem that can be fixed with money is not really a problem." In the hierarchy of problems, financial ones fall far below other issues, like losing loved ones or living with declining health.

It's important to remember that anxiety often wants us to lose sight of what we can be grateful for, and leave us to dwell on our concerns. By using a mantra, hopefully we can keep sight of the light in the corners, and put the bleak economic news in its proper place.

The Pain Behind the Smile

The "living artist" (as she says she prefers to be called) Patti Smith was interviewed recently in the New York Times Sunday Magazine. I just loved what she had to say about living through pain and loss in her life: "(W)e can access a lot of things that cause pain. This might seem really funny, but when I feel like that, I make myself smile...I just sit and physically make myself smile. Because sometimes it makes you laugh, and then you just go, "All right."

I remember growing up seeing these aspirin ads on TV. A woman would be vigorously playing the piano (a Chopin Mazurka, if I remember correctly), look up from the keyboard, and say into the camera: "I have arthritis, but it doesn't have me." To paraphrase that ad and Patti Smith, I think every one of us has pain, but pain doesn't have us. Our pain can be useful; we can recognize it's comings and goings, acknowledge it when it's there, and smile when it's time for it to be set aside--until the next time it visits again.

Lessons from Virginia Tech

Mental illness can strike anyone at anytime, though onset tends to occur in early adulthood or late adolescence. Often, a person's problems with mental illness come to light when they leave home for the first time, as Mr. Cho's did while he was a student at Virginia Tech. His teachers and fellow students were right to reach out to him with concerns about his writing and other behaviors. And while some who experience suicidal or homocidal thoughts do act on them, many do not. No one is omniscient; it is impossible to sort out who will harm themselves and others, and who won't. The best we can do is to continue to reach out to those who are suffering, to continue to invite them to get help, and to alert authorities if there's evidence that someone is in imminent danger of hurting himself or others. For the survivors at Virginia Tech, the best advice I've heard about coping with this tragedy was relayed by a Columbine survivor on the radio: "No one has ever gone through this before, so however you handle it is probably right."

Loss and Its Opportunities for Gain

This weekend I was talking with a group of women when one mentioned she had been preparing for her parents' death. I asked her what she was doing to prepare. She explained that her parents are now in their 80s, living in a different state, and it occured to her that there would come a time when difficult decisions would have to be made about their care. Her brother would certainly be involved in these decisions. Problem is, she and her brother have been estranged for 5 years. Facing this difficult realization, she has set about trying to restore an amicable relationship with her brother.

I was interested in her story because I have heard many tell of their experiences in mending relationships with a family member over the birth or adoption of a child. For the child's sake, two people agree to set aside past hurts so the child can have a relationship with all her family members. I've not heard of someone setting about to reclaim a relationship so they can both be present to their beloveds in their final years. I found her willingness to forgive for her parents' sake a moving example of how impending loss can also be an opportunity for transformation.