Effort+Failure+Learning+More Effort=Competence=Confidence

Recently someone posed a question about what to do to help her daughter develop confidence.  I thought back to when I was a young'un and what I wish someone would have told me when I believed some people were "naturally" good at some things and others less so, or not at all.

Here's what I told her: Process-based feedback. Rather than using essentializing descriptions (e.g. "you're good", "you're smart"), point out the strategies she uses to be successful. I wish someone would have explained that we are neither "good" or "bad" at something. It's just a matter of working hard, learning from mistakes, and keeping at it--even when you feel like quitting. Things that are difficult can still be worth doing.

I've written before about "logging your time", It's only when we push through our performance plateaus that we see what we're capable of.  There are no shortcuts to true competence, and no worthwhile confidence that isn't hard won. 

So when you see your child struggling with learning some new task, point out what's working--and where they could improve.  Remind them of other scenarios where they overcame obstacles.  How were they able to be successful then?  Praise them for their effort; help them learn from mistakes.  Watch them bloom into competent, confident young people.

To Use or Not to Use Antipsychotic Drugs on Children

My friend Ruthie is getting her PhD in couples and family therapy, which is great because (A): she is super smart and hard-working, and (B): she shares her readings with me, so I don't have to go to the trouble of hunting down the latest research myself!

So, this recent article she shared piqued my interest because many families struggle with the question of whether to medicate a young child who has violent outbursts.

I've seen it both ways. Some kids are really helped by medication, but ONLY IF they are properly diagnosed and treated. Others are mis-diagnosed and over-medicated. By the time they reach 13 or 14 years-old, they realize they've been mistreated and are really, really angry and distrustful of the health system and the adults around them. And either way, it still leaves open the question of what the long-term effects are of antipsychotics on young children. We just don't have the long-term case studies to know with certainty what the outcome will be.

Kyle's family's story illustrates that when family's like his are given counseling and other social supports, children's behavior changes. And at least with counseling, we know there are no long-term biological effects. Long-term social-emotional effects, yes indeed, but physiological harm: no way!

We're Neither All Orchid nor All Dandelions, so says Dobbs

In an attempt to clarify the seemingly binary categories of "orchid" and "dandelion" temperments, David Dobbs in a conversation with David Shenk (also of The Atlantic) says, "(I)t would be a rare person that was all orchid, so to speak, or all dandelion."

I agree. While the orchid-dandelion metaphor is useful in expressing different levels of sensitivity among children and adults, it fails to capture the wide range of in-between where dandelion-ness makes way for orchid-ness, and vice versa.

I recommend reading Dobbs' and Shenk's lively conversation here.

Loving Without Labeling

As children, my parents affixed labels to my siblings and me that in some ways have followed us to this day. I was the responsible high achiever. My sister was the hard-working peacemaker. My brother was the funny, perceptive, sensitive one. While there's nothing particularly problematic with these labels, it did sometimes lead to discounting our other traits that fell outside our respective boxes. If my sister brought home a good report card, my parents would credit her "hard work" for her success rather than her intellect. If I got a bad grade, the teacher must not have communicated her/his concepts and expectations well enough. And my brother, well, he got by on his sense of humor.

In families and other significant relationships, it's easy to slide into this essentialist view. We've all done it: "She's my easy baby." "He's the stubborn one." "He's the helpful one--not like his brother." The difficulty with essentialist notions is that sometimes there is truth to them--or maybe "truthiness" is a better term. But what happens is that these essentialist views often cloud out exceptions.

My brother can be very funny, but I know that when tax time comes around, he sends his 1040 meticulously filled out--all joking aside. My sister is a hard-worker, but she often gets more done because she also works smarter. And she loves to put her feet up and crack a joke as much as anyone.

Our behavior is just that--behavior. Sometimes it suggests something about our temperment. But it shouldn't define us. And we should be watchful not to let it coax us into defining others, too.