What a Little Daylight Can Do

We've made over the hump: the darkest days of winter are behind us. But for those of us in the northern neck of the woods, there's still not a lot of sunlight out there. To get your daily shot of Vitamin D, try to get out for 30 minutes between noon and two--even on a cloudy day. Run your errands, take a walk, or just do laps around your office building. A little daylight can help re-boot your system--physically and mentally. And spring is not that far off either. Think: sun!

Second-Guessing and Anxiety

One of the consequences of anxiety is that it often asks you to second-guess your decisions. Anxiety can get you wondering, "Am I doing the right thing? Is there something else I should be doing?" To look at it another way, though, anxiety can also get us to slow down, be more reflective, weigh all the options. When anxiety's second-guessing paralyzes us from learning to make and live with our decisions, we find that anxiety is taking up too much "thinking space" in our lives.

Like with any life change, it's good to start with small, attainable goals. Ask yourself: When have I made a decision without second-guessing? What factors helped me be successful? What's a small decision I could see myself sticking to? No decision is too small to practice keeping second-guessing at arm's length. What to wear, making weekend plans, choosing what to make for dinner are all fine places to start.

Once you have some smaller decisions unfettered by second-guessing under your belt, you can apply lessons learned to the bigger ones. And with any life change, it always helps to have some strong supporters who can help you stay on track when anxiety's second-guessing seeks to derail your progress.

When Perfectionism Conspires With Anxiety

I was just thinking back to the night when I was about eight months pregnant and reading "Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn" by Penny Simkin and Ann Keppler. I came across the section on risk factors for post-partum mood disorders. They listed perfectionism as one of the factors that seems to contribute to ppmds. This memory got me thinking about mood problems in general--and anxiety, specifically--and how perfectionism conspires with anxiety to make one feel less than fine.

Perfectionism can be a terrific motivator. But it can also sabotage. What happens when "perfectionism's expectations" go unfulfilled? Can perfectionism ever be truly satisfied? If you knew perfectionism were satisfied, how would you know? If perfectionism went unsatisfied what would it do?

My guess is that when perfectionism goes unsatisfied (say, because a baby is demanding more from a parent than s/he feels able to give), anxiety finds fresh fuel. Thoughts of "I'm not good enough/I can't fix it/It's hopeless" creep in.

Unfortunately, our culture does little to quash perfectionism's claims. Every time I hear the Oprah slogan "Your best life now", I want to scream. What if one's "best life now" means rocking a crying baby to sleep at 3:00 a.m., or waiting for a new driver's license at the DMV, or just having a rather ho-hum day. Is this my best life now? Is there something else I could be doing to have a better life now? Is everyone else around me having their best lives now, while mine is deferred by doing laundry and sorting through junk mail? On the surface, this desire to live one's best life seems a fine goal, but further mining reveals some very dry kindling for perfectionism's--and thus anxiety's--fire.

I'm working on a new slogan for Oprah. "A great life some of the time, and a pretty okay life the rest of the time" isn't quite as catchy as hers. But it might just help keep anxiety and perfectionism quiet for a while. And maybe that truly is our best life now.

Year-End Intentions

Rather than make a New Year's resolution which, to my mind, sounds like an all-or-nothing proposition, I'm thinking about a different strategy for effecting life change. Talking about New Year's intentions brings to mind different gradations and nuances of change.

I've been wondering what New Year's intentions for anxiety could look like in a person's life. Rather than resolve to "attack" or "tackle" anxiety, what if one merely had an intention to limit anxiety's control of one's life? An intention might include an acknowledgement that anxiety will be present at times in one's life, but it doesn't mean that anxiety should choose one's life course. And if sometimes anxiety's influence feels overwhelming, acknowledging that anxiety may be more powerful in certain situations but less so in others may help to quash the idea that one must be in control of anxiety at all times.

An intention, to me, is a belief that helps guide our thoughts and actions. It is not predicated on a certain outcome, unlike resolutions.

In trying to live a life less affected by anxiety, we succeed in living out our intention, no matter what the outcome may be. It is in the trying where we might be most pleasantly surprised by our successes, be they great or small.

Holidays and Should-isms

Often during the holidays we are torn between doing things that we'd like to do for others, and those things for which we feel obliged to do. There's a tendency to use the auxillary verb should to reflect both of these ideas. We'd like to send a holiday card to far-off friends and family, but time constraints keep us from doing so. We might not want to attend a work holiday party, but the idea that bosses look more favorably on employees who attend work social events keeps us from doing what we want to do.

Should-isms can lend a heightened sense of anxiety in an already busy season. In order to keep should-istic anxiety in its place, ask yourself what are the most important activities that reflect what the season means to you and your loved ones? What activities have I engaged in during previous holidays that no longer reflect my preferred meaning of the holiday? Are there activities that I've engaged in that I still value but I could more richly express if moved to a different time? For example, could I send New Year's, summer solstice, or Peace Day (Sept. 21) cards to show connection with far-off loved ones? Would it be just as (or possibly even more) fun to deliver homemade Groundhog Day cookies as Christmas ones? Could I skip my work holiday party, but offer to organize a summer picnic instead? What if instead of giving physical gifts, I gave my friends and family experiences to have at a later date (e.g. taking Grandpa fishing in the spring, taking a friend out to a mid-winter dinner and a movie, or going to a theme park with kids over the summer)?

Untangling the holiday activites we look forward to doing from those which we feel compelled to do can help make the holidays feel more manageable, more enjoyable, and less anxiety-provoking.

Online Help for Anxiety

One of the tricky things about anxiety is that it is often an isolating force in our lives, just at the time when we most need connection. One way to connect to anti-anxiety resources without leaving home is the Internet. The Anxiety Disorders Association of America (www.adaa.org) Web site offers tips to help one sleep better (e.g. don't do your bills just before bedtime--listen to soft music or read a book instead), a listing of therapists and support groups in your area, and self-tests for adults, teens, parents, and family members to determine if anxiety is getting in the way of one's daily life.

If you have a favorite anti-anxiety resource, please let me know, and I'll be glad to write about it here.

Overcoming Birth and New Parenting Anxiety

Many parents-to-be experience a heightened level of anxiety in the days leading up to birth. One way to abate anxiety's weight is to hire a labor doula who will coach you through labor and delivery. You can expect your doula to have practical knowledge about coping techniques, translating medical jargon, developing a birth plan, even helping you decide what to take to the hospital, or what to have on-hand for a home birth. To find a labor doula in Seattle, check out PALS. Many doulas offer sliding-fee scales to make their services accessible to everyone, so be sure to ask around for a doula who will meet your price point. They are out there. (Thank you, Jennifer!)

After the baby arrives, you may find anxiety nagging you: "Are you sure you're doing this right?" Finding a supportive person to tell anxiety, "Yes, you are absolutely doing this right" may be the best way to end anxiety's nagging. A postpartum doula can help you "find your feet" as a parent. Having a network of people who support your parenting is widely noted in helping new parents keep mood disorders at bay. Again, many doulas also do this work on a sliding-fee basis, making this care surprisingly inexpensive. In the Seattle area, NAPS offers a free postpartum doula referral service and can match you with someone who specializes in your particular need area (e.g. multiples, sliding fee scale, mood difficulties, lactation challenges, etc.).

We are especially blessed here in Seattle to have some especially dedicated, caring, and skillful doulas whose work I just cannot say enough good things about. Helping parents be at their best ensures that their children can also thrive.