Making Peace With Anxiety

I've been thinking lately about anxiety and why it seems to be taking up more and more of our "thinking space." I don't know that I will ever be able to answer that question fully, but it seems that as we have more transitions (e.g. changing jobs, schools, homes, roles, etc.) to navigate, we can expect anxiety to continue to crop up at these points. I've wanted for a long time to start putting together all the wonderful anti-anxiety strategies that others have taught me or that I've co-created with clients. To that end, I aim to start adding an entry a week about the subject. I hope that after some time of plugging away at it, this blog will contain a sort of anti-anxiety handbook. My general thinking about anxiety is that while it may be helpful to name the source of the anxiety (e.g. money, taxes, relationships, parenting, etc.), identifying the source doesn't make it go away or keep it from cropping up at other challenging life events. Sometimes not knowing the source simply adds fuel to anxiety's fire! Rather than focus on anxiety's origins, I'd like to explore the ways in which we make peace with anxiety's presence in our lives. What "thinking space" are we comfortable allowing anxiety to have? What rituals do we create to acknowledge anxiety's presence and keep it at bay? What can we learn from children about engaging our creative "monkey" minds about finding playful ways of coping? How can we catch ourselves thinking, and then take concrete action to address our thinking? Are there other supportive people out there that we can recruit into our anti-anxiety network?

Over the next few (or many?) weeks, I will share some vignettes about individuals' struggles with anxiety, and the creative tools they've added to their anti-anxiety bags to pull out when they feel anxiety meddling in their lives. Some of their tools are quite simple to use, others require organizing a team. Some involve brave changes in behavior, while others demand thinking about thinking. And some simply ask for detatchment from thinking entirely. From what I've learned about anxiety, there's no one right way to cope. The first step is to accept that it is a near impossibility to live a life free from anxiety, but it is possible to limit its effects on our lives, to make peace with it, as it were.

The Postpartum Pact

Postpartum support guru Karen Kleiman has posted on her Postpartum Stress Center blog what she calls a Postpartum Pact. In signing the pact, couples agree to do certain things, such as watching for shifts in behavior, accepting whatever moodiness or anxiety presents itself, and agreeing to stay together no matter what happens. I could see this pact providing a useful template for couples undergoing any major life change: marriage, caring for an elder, starting a new business, etc. Who doesn't need to hear "You're doing the best you can" or "You don't always have to be perfect" from time to time?

Finding a Place for Anxiety

Lately, I've been thinking about anxiety and its relationship to parenting. Sometimes when anxiety rears its head, it's telling you "that carrot is big enough to choke on" or "it would be easy for my child to fall into the deep end of this swimming pool." All good reminders, anxiety--thanks! But recent recalls of toys has me wondering about if all the safety information parents receive leads to a little too much interference from anxiety. Yes, you've heard about "helicopter" parents, the millenial generation being the most needy and narcissistic, the growing obesity childhood obesity problem, etc. Are these random phenomena or could they be correlated by a trend of increasing interference from anxiety on parenting? What I mean is, is anxiety goading parents to step in to "protect" kids, when what a child needs is to experiment and explore--and sometimes fall down--to learn the fullness of her abilities and limitations? This is not to say that there aren't times when parental intervention is good (and indeed, for those children who lack good safety instincts, necessary); however, could there be opportunities that are being denied by anxiety for allowing children to use their own instincts to decide on the level of challenge with which their comfortable? My hunch is that anxiety teaches parents to only allow children to take the easily-calculated risks. This message is then passed on to children who learn to be risk-averse physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

So, what's a parent to do? A lack of anxiety could lead to allowing your 2 y.o. to play with knives? Too much and the kid can't leave the house without a helmet and knee pads. What I want to offer is (the incredibly challenging, I know) proposition that we parents ask ourselves when we sense anxiety's presence, what is this anxiety asking me to do? What are the possible outcomes for acting on anxiety's direction here? What are the potential consequences for ignoring it? Is this anxiety intervening in a helpful or meddlesome way? What are my values as a parent, and is this anxiety in the service of those values? My hope is that when we can find the proper place for anxiety in parenting, children can grow up to be creative, courageous, humble--and safe!--people.

Making Cliches Meaningful Again

You remember: Your high school English teacher warned you against using cliches, and so you rewrote those papers carefully editing out those hackneyed phrases, lest she come at them with a red pen. Now, we're adults, and cliche-free, right? Sadly, no. Think about all the well-intentioned yet substance-free goals we adults set for ourselves, (and yes, many of these are from my own life-script): I want to be a better parent. I want to deal with racism. I want to find balance. I'm looking for a soul mate. I want to be healthier. I want to be less stressed out. I want to feel better about myself.

All good ideas, yes, but the problem is they're so over-used, they've lost their meaning. Yet, these cliches can be meaningful again if you follow my English teacher husband's advice: Specific is terrific. If, for example, your goal is to be healthier, how will you know that you are healthier than you are now? Is there a goal that can be measured, as in weighing 5 pounds less, or running a nine-minute mile? For some, outcome measurement is an important means of substantive goal-setting. For others, process is more important. In wanting to be healthier, one might join a softball team or sign up for a yoga class. The specifics giving the cliche meaning will depend on the person, but if they are helpful in moving one toward a life intention, all are terrific.

Beyond the Birth

For those in the Seattle area, Postpartum Support International of Washington's upcoming conference Beyond the Birth: Trends in Treating Perinatal and Postpartum Mood Disorders is worth checking out. (Full disclosure: I'm on the Board of PSI, but biased though I may be, I still think it will be a good conference). Shaila Misri, Rex Gentry, and a panel of PPMD survivors and partners will be speaking. The conference is Sept. 21 at the Meydenbauer Center in Bellevue. To register, click here.

Family-Leave and the Family Values Set

During summertime, I find it difficult to read anything beyond the headlines of Us Weekly and People magazines while waiting in line at the supermarket. An article by Eyal Press in the New York Times Sunday Magazine (July 29, 2007) not only held my limited attention, but left me outraged. The Family Medical Leave Act guarantees caregivers time off from work to care for family members in the event of a medical crisis. More and more, employers are passing over for promotions--or in some cases, firing--mothers or others who care for dependents based on the assumption that they will perform less adequately at their jobs than those without such family obligations. Mr. Press details the cases of several caregivers who were passed over for promotions, demoted, or fired because they took a family medical leave of absence. In one case, a man who was caring for his newborn daughter and wife who was undergoing a difficult recovery from delivery was told by his employer that unless his "wife is in a coma or dead, you can't be primary care provider." He sued, and won.

While I generally find the litiginous nature of our society to be detrimental to families (see my earlier post on divorce), I think workers must take a stand that there are times when a family member's care will require a leave of absence WITH the expectation that one will return to work at full capacity as soon as one can. I think it is also high time to disabuse employers of the notion that mothers are less dedicated workers than non-mothers. (Press notes that mothers are paid a starting salary $11,000 less than non-mothers.) As our society ages, more and more workers will require some leave to care for aging relatives. This issue, thus, affects all of us, parents and non-parents alike, for we all are children and grandchildren of people who are aging. Press also notes in his article that if employers are able to flex to help employees meet their familial and work obligations, they are rewarded with employee loyalty unmatched by other companies'. It shows how a little compassion can go a long way.

Baby's Got Brand-New T-Straps

All right, folks, look out because I'm about to indulge myself in a wholly unserious yet near-and-dear-to-my-heart topic of shoe shopping. Yes, I realize that this blog was started to address more serious topics of depression, anxiety, identity crises, parenting, and the like, but sometimes in life some situations cry out for a little retail therapy. Such as the situation I found myself in the other day when my darling daughter was walking around in sandals that fit her at the beginning on summer, but now her little toes are sticking out over the edge of her soles. (Good thing they're open-toed shoes, or I'd have nothing for her to wear). Fortunately, we were up in Ballard during side-walk sales where I discovered these adorable Umi t-straps on sale for $20 at Market Street Shoes. I was entertaining buying her a pair of See Kai Run shoes because a. they are super cute and well-made and b. the company was started by a local Seattle mom, but I couldn't resist buying these fantastically-priced t-straps from a great independent shoe store. So, here's to all the great independent, local, and mom-owned businesses out there who keep our feet well-appointed and our consciences clean.