Car Radio Wars

Ah, summertime is here, which means many of you will be hittin' the road with your family for that summer ritual: a roadtrip vacation. One way to keep the peace in the car is to find music that everyone can agree on. How is this possible, you ask? Zooglobble.com has reviews of all the usual kids' music suspects (e.g. Dan Zanes, They Might Be Giants, etc.) and some unexpected surprises. Anyone for Johnny Cash, The Hold Steady, or Belle and Sebastian? Seattlites will be glad to find local favorites Smoosh and Recess Monkey on there, too. And you thought parenthood meant being conscripted to listening The Wiggles, ad nauseum. Finally, your family can make peace with the car stereo.

For The Kids' Sake
Over 1 million children are waiting to be adopted in the U.S. One million! I was shocked to learn this statistic when I was working at an adoption agency in Santa Fe 7 years ago. My hunch is that the number of children waiting to be adopted only continues to grow. The reasons why so many children are waiting for families are:
1. They are over the age of 3
2. They have a sibling from whom they refuse to be separated
3. They have special developmental or physical needs
4. They are children of color

Frankly, I don't know what makes me sadder: the number of children waiting to be adopted or the reasons why they are waiting. The World Association of Children and Parents has a really great Web site for anyone who has ever had an inkling about becoming an adoptive parent. They have a photo album of children awaiting adoption, stories from parents about their adoption journeys as well as other helpful adoption resources, including financial resources for low-income families considering adoption.

I once heard Bill T. Jones say about his decidedly non-traditional-looking dance troupe, "There are lots of good bodies for dancing." I think the same can be said for parents and children. There are lots of good parents for children, and lots of good children for parents. They may not fit the traditional, idealized view of family, but they are beautiful, loving, wonderful families, nonetheless. Please help spread the word to prospective parents who would make a good home for these children.

Great Resource for Families Affected by (Postpartum) Depression

A great resource for "significant others" of those who suffer postpartum mood disorders is MedEd. It offers useful tips on how to support someone affected by a PPMD. I especially like the strategies for explaining to children what's going on with Mom. Their advice for explaining PPMD to children would be useful for all young children who love someone who suffers from a depressive illness.

Seasonal Transitions

As I look out my window, it appears that the summer sun has finally arrived here in the usually cool and cloudy Pacific Northwest. While the cooler months may present challenges for those who prefer their days without rain, the summertime can lead to that familiar refrain from little ones (or maybe even from yourself!): I'm bored! So, what to do this summer? Check out your local parks and recreation department for some activity ideas for even the doggiest of dog days this summer. Lawn bowling, anyone?

The Forgiveness Train

"Forgiveness is the final form of love."--Reinhold Niebuhr

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. The topic seems to come up a lot in the conversations I have with clients, parents--really anyone who's old enough to have significant relationships with other people. Over the course of these conversations, a metaphor for forgiveness appeared in my mind. When I try to make a visual picture of forgiveness I see a train--a toy train, to be exact where the cars connect through magnets. The locomotive--the train's beginning--is one's self. Forgiveness of others, I think, can only happen once we learn to forgive ourselves for past mistakes, regrets, and unhappinesses. Before any cars can be added to the train, the locomotive must be strong enough to first power itself. Once the forgiveness engine can power itself, that strength can be extended to others. Here's where the magnets come in. I see this attraction quality to forgiveness. With each act of forgiveness, another car is added to the train. Each car attracts yet another car, and soon, all the cars are drawn into this seemingly endless line of cars, driven by one small but powerful engine: self-forgiveness. In the months (and maybe even years!) to come, I hope to research acts of forgiveness (of one's self and others) and be able to report back my findings. Please feel free to share your stories of courageous acts of forgiveness.

Re-imagining Your Life Story

Here's a true-life parenting tale that happened to me just yesterday. I'm going for a walk in the park with my daughter when she starts writhing in her stroller. Soon she has worked her way out of her seatbelt and is climbing out the back, causing the stroller to nearly tip over backwards. People on bikes, rollerblades and foot are watching our commotion. I start to yell, "No, that's not okay. You're going to get hurt! Sit down! Sit down!" My daughter looks up at me and starts to cry.

So that's the movie-script version of what-happened. So what's my life-script version of the story? Two competing versions come to mind...

In the first, I am a bad mother. I should know better. My daughter is writhing around because she knows her Cheerios are in the bag behind her seat. Lunchtime was over a while ago, so she's probably ready for her snack. It's also hot, and she might be thirsty, thinking there's a bottle of water in there too. There are all these people watching us as she nearly falls out the back of her stroller. I could have prevented this if I had only correctly anticipated her needs.

In the second, my daughter and I are victims of a few missteps and bad circumstances. She had a huge lunch, and she's non-verbal, so I just missed her cues that she could be hungry again. It's hot out, and people are watching, so embarrassment and fatigue caused me to react more forcefully than usual. I'm also taking this walk with her in the hopes she might fall asleep. She needs a nap, and my plan to help her meet this need doesn't seem to be working. I really just want to help, and it's frustrating when I can't make things work out for her. I know I over-reacted in the moment, but once I figured out she just wanted the Cheerios, she sat back contentedly in her seat, and my outburst was seemingly forgotten. She never did fall asleep on the walk, but she did go down easily once we were home and she could rest in her bed. We had an otherwise lovely afternoon together.

So, which version is "true"? Well, they both are, depending on how you look at it (or at least how I'm feeling when I look at it). In the first, my bad parenting moment is a result of being a "bad mother", an inherent character flaw that leaves me little hope of parenting more mindfully in the future. In the second, my bad parenting "moment" is just that, in what is an otherwise fulfilling parenting relationship with my daughter. Some bad circumstances and unmet needs conspired against us, but with this knowledge, I have hope of being more patient, intuitive, and prepared in the future. In the second story, I have a sense of my own agency in being able to overcome parenting obstacles. In the first version, I blame myself: "I should know better." I don't know anyone who improves at "knowing better", so to "know better" seems like a lost cause. In the "story" of my parenting life, the second version feels more like the interpretation I can live with. I had my "bad moment", I got through it, I have a sense of what I'd do differently next time, and the "bad moment" didn't take away all the good moments that preceded or followed it.

In any of our challenging life roles, it's possible to re-imagine the "character flaw version" of our life stories as "overcoming adversity" narratives. Our personalities are not our destinies. In every true-life tale, there is the potential for multiple interpretations. The versions that highlight our agency to overcome adversity enable us to live the best life we can imagine.

T. Berry Brazelton: Alive, kicking, and Helping Families Get to Sleep!

I heard T. Berry Brazelton on the radio and was amazed by a. the fact that he's still alive! and b. how well some of his theories about children's development and parenting have held up over time. Much on the minds of parents of infants and toddlers is nurturing their children's healthy sleep habits. Dr. Brazelton's philosophy is that children have the inner resources to sleep well, but they need their parents' coaching to draw on these resources. He advocates that parents go to their children when they wake in the middle of the night, but rather than pick them up, give them a lovey, binky or some other comforting object and sit with them, repeating this mantra until they go back to sleep: You can do it yourself. You can do it yourself. Just listening to him repeat this mantra nearly put me to sleep. I like this idea that sleep is something that children can be taught to do well, but like all skills, it's something that must be learned from an experienced teacher: the child's parents! Cheers to Dr. Brazelton--and a good night's sleep!