Anxiety and the Present Progressive

One of my favorite book titles is Raymond Carver's "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love." It perfectly sums up for me the sense of talking about a difficult, messy, complicated, and enormous subject while avoiding words that could signify the difficulty, messiness, complexity and enormity of what's being discussed.

I think anxiety falls into that category of difficult subjects to discuss. In trying to understand the role anxiety plays in one's life, I try to think about what is the person's relationship to anxiety. How does one experience the effects of this anxiety? What vision does one hold for their life, and what is anxiety's place in it?

In addressing this relationship, I find it useful (albeit, on the surface a bit strange) to ask questions using the present progressive tense. The implication of the present progressive is that there are actions, intents, beliefs and values already present that can help move toward a desired way of being or move away from anxiety's undesired effects. Some questions I might ask to understand the space between a person and her anxiety could include: When you are experiencing anxiety, what is that experience like? How is it different when you are not experiencing it? How do you see your life moving away from anxiety? If you saw anxiety moving out of your life, what could you see taking its place? What might you see yourself moving toward? From what sources is anxiety drawing strength? From what sources is it drawing opposition? When you are trying to live a life less affected by anxiety, what is involved in the trying? Do you know of others who are engaged in the trying? What strategies are they using in the trying?

I know these questions sound a bit odd, but if you can get beyond their strange constructions, their implied action can help uncover values by which we seek to live, and suggest a strategy through which they may be lived out.

My thoughts on using the present progressive to talk about difficult subjects have been greatly influenced by Johnella Bird. I must acknowledge the tremendous influence her work has had on my thinking, and I encourage anyone who is interested in the use of language to influence how we conceive of difficult problems to read her books "Talk That Sings" or "The Heart's Narrative".

Great Postpartum Web Resource

All right, so, I'm on the Board of Postpartum Support International of Washington, but I had nothing to do with the awesome revamping of the Web site, so when I say it really is worth checking out, I say it with only the slightest hint of bias. Truly, the fabulous women of PSI have put together a comprehensive list of books, articles, and resources that will be useful to postpartum parents and their beloveds regardless of their geographic location. Even better, if you'd like to support PSI of WA's mission, clicking on any of the recommended books will route you to Amazon where a portion of your purchase will go directly to PSI of WA. (Okay, that last part smacked of Board Member bias/promotion), but really please help spread the word that help for parents is out there!

Support The MOTHERS Act

Want to get your activism on today? Please take 3 minutes to contact our U.S. Senators and ask them to support the MOTHERS Act, which will “ensure that new mothers and their families are educated about postpartum depression, screened for symptoms, and provided with essential services” and will “increase research at the National Institutes of Health on postpartum depression.”

Please contact both of our Senators by calling or using their webforms:

Sen. Maria Cantwell
http://cantwell.senate.gov/contact/index.cfm
202-224-3441

Sen. Patty Murray
http://murray.senate.gov/email/index.cfm
202-224-2621

If you call, you may want to use this script: “Hello this is (your name), one of Senator (Senator's name) constituents from (your town). I am calling to ask the Senator to co-sponsor The MOTHERS Act, bill number S. 1375, sponsored by Senator Menendez, which will provide funding for research, education, screening and treatment of postpartum depression. Thank you." Whether you call or email, you may also want to include a sentence or two about why the legislation is important to you.

Thanks!

Not from Washington? Get contact info for your two Senators here: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

Pets as Anxiety Repellant

One woman I know had an elaborate ritual for leaving her house. Anxiety dictated the specific steps involved in this ritual in order for her to leave and return to her house safely. The woman owns a dog, with whom she takes daily walks. She and her dog enjoy their walks together immensely. But after some time of performing her house-leaving ritual, anxiety began prescribing more and more elaborate steps to the ritual--so much so, that it began cutting into time walking with her dog. She realized that anxiety was robbing her and her dog of their most enjoyable time of day together. With this knowledge, she has renewed her efforts to limit anxiety's influence on her life.

I relay this story because it illustrates how pets can help us become aware of how anxiety affects daily living and give us a "baseline" for measuring gains in eradicating anxiety's influence. Here are some questions to consider about the anxiety-repelling qualities of pets: Do you hear anxiety's "chatter" more when you are with or without your pet? How might anxiety be useful to a pet in the wild? How is it unhelpful to pets in a household? Do you know of any pets who had experienced great anxiety due to trauma and were able to overcome this anxiety? What environmental factors helped the pet overcome anxiety and trauma? Are these same environmental factors present or absent in your own life?

Pets can console, teach, energize, and calm us. They are valued companions in both difficult and uncomplicated times. In lives increasingly bothered by anxiety we would do well to take stock of how pets can buffer our lives from its unhelpful messages.

The Anti-Anxiety Talisman

Anxiety makes itself known to us when we are too young to even know the word or its meaning. A toddler experiences separation anxiety whenever a parent or loved one leaves. Infants may go through phases of becoming tense or fearful in the bath. My own daughter experienced her first night terror at 5 months--far too young to have experienced anything terrifying enough to cause such a reaction.

Children who experience anxiety also have marvelous coping skills to soothe themselves when anxiety tries to ruffle their feathers. Infants will suck their fingers or thumbs. Toddlers may find a binkie, lovey, or blankie when they're feeling out of sorts. Older children may keep a dream catcher above their beds, look at a favorite picture, or perform some other night time ritual to keep "the wild things" away.

We can learn from children's uniquely intuitive ways of coping and find our own talismans or mantras whenever we sense anxiety's presence. A client of mine repeated the mantra "I am my own safe harbor" as he felt anxiety approaching. A teenage client who often felt overwhelmed by social anxiety brought on by Asperger's Syndrome said he would "lay low" and try to "avoid trouble" like his favorite action-movie star. A woman who was deeply affected by OCD would make a brushing motion over shoulder, as if she were shooing away a pesky fly, trying to discourage anxiety from "landing" on her. The lyric "It may look like my wheels are spinning/I swear they're spinning for a reason" has given me comfort in my own life.

An anti-anxiety talisman will not end anxiety's appearances. It can, however, disallow anxiety from gaining purchase in areas of life where it is not welcome. The imporantant part of creating the talisman--whether it be a mantra, a visualization, a piece of music, or an object--is that it be meaningful and accessible to you should anxiety creep up unexpectedly. Anxiety may catch up with you from time to time, but it doesn't have to catch you off guard.

Coping with Parenting Anxiety, or Doing the Play-by-Play

It is written in stone that at some point, young children will engage in socially-undesirable behavior that will leave their parents mortified. Hitting, biting, scratching, soiling, name-calling, and food-throwing are but a short-list of embarassment-inducing behaviors. Why do kids do these behaviors desite our pleading with them to refrain? In short, kids are innately curious. They are curious about how we'll react; they're curious about what powers they can wield in an otherwise powerless position.

So, unless someone can figure out how to drain the curiosity out of a child (and really, who wants that?), the only avenue left for parents is to control their own reactions to unwanted behavior. If a child senses that a parent's anxiety over undesired behavior got her parent to react strongly, she will be curious to see if she can help bring about a similarly strong reaction again. The child is like a little scientist testing and re-testing her hypothesis. In order to quash the experiment, a parent will have to give the same, uninteresting result over and over again, until the child moves on to a new "hypothesis" to test.

So, how can a parent give a "boring" reaction to a child's throwing, cursing, spitting, (insert undesired behavior here)? By simply announcing the "play-by-play". This anti-parenting-anxiety technique requires the parent to simply "announce" what the child is doing, what emotions she might be feeling, and other possible strategies for coping with strong feelings. For instance, if a child bites her parent, the parent might say, "I see that you bit me. It looks like you're frustrated. I wonder if this pillow might be better for biting."

Sure, it's not a difficult strategy to use, but in the heat of the moment, it's easy to forget. That's why it's important to do the play-by-play at non-anxiety-producing times. For example, while a child is playing with blocks, you could say, "I see you're playing with blocks. It looks like you're stacking them to make a tower. I wonder how tall you plan on making this tower." I know it sounds a little hokey, but the more you practice it at non-anxiety-causing situations, the easier the words will come to you when anxiety wants you to react differently. When a child hears your calm, consistent reaction time and again, the more likely she is to move on to the next "hypothesis", whatever that may be. Perhaps it will involve some socially-valued behavior, such as sharing, in which you can "react strongly" with enthusiasm, love, and praise.

Zazen, Shavasana, or the Do-Nothing Meditation for the Mind

In high school, I had an English teacher who had a keen interest in Eastern philosophy. She introduced me to the Zen Buddhist concept of zazen, seated meditation, or as she described it, "do-nothing". In yoga, after a busy practice, one might end in shavasana, or "corpse pose." Both have at their heart the idea of allowing the body to rest, so that the mind might also quiet. Thoughts might enter one's mind--not to be analysed as good or bad--but to be observed with curious detatchment.

In my years of therapeutic collaboration, I have learned many ways of doing zazen from others. One client who has had difficulties with "perfectionism" for most of his life did zazen by lying in his bed, closing his eyes, putting on his headphones, and listening to sacred music or chanting. Some others say they practice zazen by silent prayer, or repeating a particular sacred verse or mantra. Other people I know use restorative yoga poses to help quiet their minds.

I have also found that for those (like me) who find it difficult to be physically still, it is possible to achieve zazen of the mind through kinesthetic activity. I know I have known periods of mental zazen while weeding, walking, running, swimming, cleaning, or doing yoga. I know plenty of knitters out there who would testify to the mental benefits of its simple repeated action.

I offer this idea of mental zazen as a counter-balance to anxiety's desire to "busy" the mind with its endless "chatter." Ask yourself, when do I get a break from thinking? When does thinking turn into "over-thinking"? How can I be more at peace with my thoughts? How can I resist the urge to re-live the past or to anticipate the future? What would it be like to simply observe my thoughts, such as the way an anthropologist might view a foreign culture? What "thinking space" can I open up that is currently occupied by anxiety, worry, perfectionism, or "should-isms"? If anxiety took up less "thought space", what might take its place?

Making time for zazen is not easy, I know--especially for all you parents out there! I hope to hear from readers about even more ways of practicing zazen, its benefits, and how it can become a regular and welcome practice in one's life.