Parenting Can Make You Happier--Eventually

This NPR story validates what I’ve thought all along: raising children can bring happiness–eventually. Maybe you won’t feel so happy changing diapers, doing the laundry, or cleaning the vomit out of your car after a roadtrip; however, when you step back and see the big picture, parents do find happiness in their roles. And while this particular story doesn’t address it, I can say having consulted with clients in a nursing home, when one reaches the last chapter of life, having children often produces a much happier ending, indeed.

Surviving Out Loud

Getting a mood disorder is like getting the flu.  It strikes seemingly at random.  No one is to blame.    No one should feel ashamed or guilty that they have it.  There's no vaccine or miracle cure, but there is hope. It sucks, but it will get better with treatment and care.

That's why I love Katherine Stone's album of postpartum mood survivors over on her great Postpartum Progress site.  Just beautiful families who have overcome great hardship to survive and thrive.  As Stone says, "We aren’t defective. We aren’t strange or unusual. We are great moms who were waylaid temporarily by a terrible illness."  And there's nothing shameful in being laid up by a terrible illness.  Indeed, in the same way that catching the flu can make a body more resistant to future illness, surviving a postpartum mood disorder makes a family tougher and more resilient in the face of future struggles. 

Finding a Formula for Successful Families

As a child of the '70s, I was weaned, per my pediatrician's instructions, around 5 months and given formula thereafter.  My mom recalls being advised that this course of action was the "healthy" option for infants. I'm baically a  healthy person--no history of major illnesses or developmental problems. Sure, I could always use a few extra IQ points, but I don't think being formula-fed has held me back from winning a Nobel or anything.

That's why I found myself saying, "Amen, sister!" while reading this article by Alissa Quart in the New York Times on Sunday. Since the 1970s, the American Academy of Pediatrics has reversed course and now recommends that mothers breastfeed exclusively for the first year of a child's life.

Well, that's all fine and good, but many mothers of newborns run into numberous adversities in breastfeeding:  latching problems, low output, pain or discomfort while nursing, or unsupportive (or even hostile) work environments for pumping,  There's a myriad of reasons why a mother might choose formula, and shaming her for that choice is unhelpful--and maybe even harmful.

So, let's focus on what Ms. Quart advises in her article:  child outcomes.  We have lots of data that says free early childhood education, paid parenting leave, and more workplace flexibility lead to better outcomes for children and families.  More support for working parents sounds to my formula-nourished mind like the healthiest option of all.

"Unrestrained Enquiry and Possibility"

"It's too muddy outside."

This sentiment was echoed repeatedly as the parents at my daughter's preschool today explained to their children why they weren't permitted to go out on the playground.  It got me thinking about what messages we give our children and the values inherent in those messages.  So while the parents may be saying "It's too muddy", children may be inferring: "dirt is bad" or "don't take risks" or "inside is better than outside."  These surely unintended meanings may find their way into children's interpretations of themselves and their environment that they carry with them into adulthood.

I was heartened to read this post by Jan White about children's outdoor play in winter on her wonderful blog about young children's nature education.  She described a processs of "unrestrained enquiry and possibility" that I felt applied not just to children's experiences in nature, but also to our experiences in the "adult world" as well.  It made me wonder about what a life lived with "unrestrained enquiry and possibility" would look like.  What if shame or embarrassment didn't get in the way of pursuing a dream of performing on stage for an audience?  What if we were truly honest with ourselves and in our relationships?  What if we allowed ourselves to get dirty once in a while and to enjoy the satisfaction that comes from cleaning up afterward?

I realize that in many ways, I've sought to restrain enquiry and possibility from my life.  The unknown can be messy, awkward, and scary.  I don't always want to try the new and unusual experience.  "Familiarity" has "family" at its root:  It's what we're born with, what we know.  But today, as others were declaring it "too muddy" to play outside, my daughter and I saw nothing but possibility as we headed out to the playground, just us two.