Parenting Can Make You Happier--Eventually

This NPR story validates what I’ve thought all along: raising children can bring happiness–eventually. Maybe you won’t feel so happy changing diapers, doing the laundry, or cleaning the vomit out of your car after a roadtrip; however, when you step back and see the big picture, parents do find happiness in their roles. And while this particular story doesn’t address it, I can say having consulted with clients in a nursing home, when one reaches the last chapter of life, having children often produces a much happier ending, indeed.

Finding a Formula for Successful Families

As a child of the '70s, I was weaned, per my pediatrician's instructions, around 5 months and given formula thereafter.  My mom recalls being advised that this course of action was the "healthy" option for infants. I'm baically a  healthy person--no history of major illnesses or developmental problems. Sure, I could always use a few extra IQ points, but I don't think being formula-fed has held me back from winning a Nobel or anything.

That's why I found myself saying, "Amen, sister!" while reading this article by Alissa Quart in the New York Times on Sunday. Since the 1970s, the American Academy of Pediatrics has reversed course and now recommends that mothers breastfeed exclusively for the first year of a child's life.

Well, that's all fine and good, but many mothers of newborns run into numberous adversities in breastfeeding:  latching problems, low output, pain or discomfort while nursing, or unsupportive (or even hostile) work environments for pumping,  There's a myriad of reasons why a mother might choose formula, and shaming her for that choice is unhelpful--and maybe even harmful.

So, let's focus on what Ms. Quart advises in her article:  child outcomes.  We have lots of data that says free early childhood education, paid parenting leave, and more workplace flexibility lead to better outcomes for children and families.  More support for working parents sounds to my formula-nourished mind like the healthiest option of all.

Out-Sneaking Sneaky Poo

One of the most exasperating problems parents of young children face is having a potty-trained child who continues to soil herself.  It's stinky.  It's messy.  It's embarassing for the child and parents, alike.  It creates a lot of extra laundry and clean-up.  And in some circumstances, it can alter a family's social life.

So, what's a parent to do?  Here's a few thoughts to help keep your cool when "sneaky poo" tries to get your skivvies in a bunch:

Remember: soiling problems are common.  You and your child are not alone.  The stigma surrounding soiling problems, however, can make it feel very lonely.

Your child is not the problem.  Sneaky poo is the problem.  You and your child must present a unified front to conquer sneaky poo.

Children have marvellously rich imaginary powers.  How can your child imagine herself out-sneaking sneaky poo?  If he were his favorite superhero, how would the superhero defeat sneaky poo?  If her favorite author wrote a story about a child who out-sneaked sneaky poo, how do you think the story would go?

Small successes are successes.  Celebrating and documenting successful moments will help add "stickiness" to those memories, which are easily overlooked if sneaky poo has a sneak attack.

 Michael White, an incredibly gifted therapist who left us too soon, literally wrote the book on overcoming sneaky poo.  He generously made his work on sneaky poo available to families.  It's an incredibly valuable resource that has helped countless families tackle the sneaky poo problem.

Here's wishing you and yours lots of clean, dry pants.

Finding Gratitude in Unlikely Places

I am grateful for hair-pulling, biting, pushing, shoving, screaming and crying.  Ok, not so much those behaviors, per se, but what they represent.

I was talking with a mother of two young children this morning who says she struggles with helping her children play together successfully.  Her 6 year-old likes to make elaborate lego projects that her 2 year-old brother likes to take down Godzilla-style.  She has tried convincing her daughter to build these projects in her room.  She has tried redirecting her son toward different toys.  Neither of these strategies has worked.

They want to be together, which is nice, I told her.  It's what I tell myself when my own daughters have the same fight...over and over again.  They could play in separate rooms or with separate toys,  goodness knows we have more than enough to go around.  But the separation wouldn't meet their needs for togetherness, which is a strong need, indeed.  And sometimes they play together successfully.  I just tend not to notice, since no one is screaming, "Mom, help!" at those moments. So I try to remind myself of the lovely part of their siblinghood when I extract one from the other, teeth bared and tears flowing.

I've learned a lot from clients who've consulted with me over the years about finding gratitude in unlikely places.  They've found it in seeing they have choices, even when those choices aren't the  greatest.  In finding calm in an otherwise anxiety-provoking time while washing dishes or pulling weeds.  In having a major life crisis hold a mirror up to their life and finding they don't like what they see and using their resources to change it.

There is much to be grateful for, even in trying times.  Sometimes we have to look beyond the initial ugliness to find the beauty at its core.

Emotions, Learning, and The Child's Brain

I was, for a brief time, an elementary special education teacher. While my students' test scores indicated that they were not "performing at grade level", they're participation in my class suggested otherwise. Indeed, they were all capable of doing the work. They were a very intelligent, thoughtful, and engaging group. Their home lives, however, were highly unpredictable and anxiety-provoking. How well would you do on a test if your parent was in prison, drug-addicted, or severely depressed?

I'll you: Not well, my friends. Not well.

So, that's why I'm pleased to see the topic of Seattle's Maria Montessori Language and Cultural Center's Workshop: On Emotions, Learning and The Child's Brain being offered on Saturday, 10/15 from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. A highly worthy topic for our times. Hope some of you can make it.